Tales From Space Station 13 – Chapter 2: The Space Station Of Sullied Dreams

Welcome back THE BUTTBUDDZ fans, here I bring you a tale. A tale of jesters and fools living on a metal death trap in space, filled with mall cops and clowns, plasma fires and endless rounds, and some other stuff probably. All of the following are true stories from /tg/station (on the basil server specifically), this time I’ll provide useful links for a full picture. As you may have figured out by the title, pretty much every story here ends in tears, rage, and regret. But then again, isn’t that just Space Station 13?

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The Disguise

Job: Security Officer/Cargo Technician

Round Type: Traitor

Saying my job was “Cargo Technician” would only be half true, in reality I was actually an undercover security officer this entire round. I made sure every item I had made me unrecognizable as security, save for a taser that I kept in my belt, but that wasn’t noticeable on my sprite and could just mean I’m a well armed member of Cargonia. I still had a mindshield implant as a hint to fellow officers that I’m undercover but that still leaves some to the imagination.

I used my position as a “cargo technician” to order guns and other security equipment to bring back to the brig, and since we had an abundance of points nobody minded.

I heard over radio there was someone attempting to break into the armory from space, so I grabbed a space suit from EVA and made my way around the station. There I found him in a syndicate space suit with an energy sword  around one of the science airlocks, however I don’t think he noticed I was security since he didn’t attempt to murder me or run away. Using his sense of security to my imagine, I grabbed my stun baton and hovered towards him. He managed to get one hit on me before I stunned him, at which point it was over; I grabbed his energy sword and sliced him to death with it. I brought his body back to security and donated the e-sword to the HoS. A fine job, if I do say so myself!

Later in the round, I was bringing a crate to the brig when a second traitor broke in with a double energy sword and murdered the lawyer right in front of me! Since double energy swords block both energy projectiles and most melee weapons, I realized what I needed to do to defeat him. When he ran up to me I took out my flash and pointed that shit right in his eyes, causing him to become stunned which gave me the perfect opportunity to once again take a traitor’s energy sword and murder them with it. This time I decided to keep the energy sword as a nice little prize, after all I had just defeated two traitors in glorious battle, it’s only fair I get something out of it.

Near the end of the round, just a minute before the emergency shuttle docked I was in cargo when suddenly I get shot by a taser and detained by an officer who doesn’t realize I’m undercover. Now if I made any mistake in the round it was definitely here, you see instead of flat out telling him I was in fact a security officer I was hoping either he would figure it out himself or someone would remind him, however I did not, so he ended up stealing my hard earned loot right from my satchel.

As a bit of a consolation, the HoS did promise to give me a “robust security” medal for defeating two traitors, however the emergency shuttle docked and I completely lost track of the HoS. There was one problem though; earlier in the round, the captain ordered the “Disco Inferno” shuttle, which as the name implies, has a disco in it. Also as the name implies, it’s made of plasma floors and plasma walls which burst into flames extremely easily, all it takes is one asshat with a welder and suddenly everything is on fire. That is exactly what happened, some joker ended up setting the shuttle on fire which killed almost everyone in the shuttle, myself included.

In the end I never got my double e-sword back or my medal, so I suppose if there’s a moral to this story it would be never take things to extremes, and that includes LARPing as a cargo tech.

 

The Burger

Job: Captain

Round Type: Wizard/Traitor

Sometimes in Space Station 13 the best moments are not the most glorious victories, but the most laughable failures. This story is about one of the latter.

I started as the captain, and did standard captain things like changing the station’s name and being little more than an assistant with all access. There was actually a wizard that round but the wizard was unremarkable and terrible as he caused very little chaos and got butt slammed about 10 minutes into the round. He met his end as a group of security and armed crew cornered him, at which point I ran in with my sabre, sliced his head off and promptly made an announcement taking credit for the kill. Truly, I am a great marksmanship of the space station.

As the captain I like rewarding the crew for doing their jobs, so I decided to ask the cook for a super bite burger, which is a very, very large burger that requires many ingredients and takes a while to make. In exchange for making the burger I’d give him my captain’s flask. A minute or two later and I got a message from the cook that my burger was ready so I headed over to get my lunch.

The cook set it down on a table, I walked over, picked up the burger and suddenly I’m a ghost. Wait what the fuck? As it turns out the cook was a traitor and used a holoparasite to booby trap the burger so when I picked it up I exploded, causing my limbs to go flying everywhere and die instantly.

captaining2.png
A fellow dead player comments on the circumstances of my death

Now I’ve never died to a holoparasite (mostly because I never see any holoparasites in the first place) before so when this happened I was laughing my ass off, but I was still very confused why I just exploded upon picking up the burger. Turns out holoparasites can attach explosives to items, blowing up the poor sucker who takes the bait, and believe me I took the bait hook line and sinker! After that, the cook tried inviting the HoS over for a burger as well, but the HoS was more busy trying to find out what happened to the captain who suddenly stopped talking over comms a couple minutes ago.

The station went to shit pretty soon after that as some guy went full Cuban Pete mode and bombed half the station while a changeling went on a rampage with an arm blade. Needless to say the emergency shuttle was called as soon as it could’ve been.

captaining3.png
The captain goes down with the ship, and the ship goes down with the captain

 

The Zookeeper

Job: Head of Personnel/Traitor

Round Type: Traitor

Normally at round start I queue for security roles, however security can never become antagonists. Luckily the game will still select you for a potential antag role outside of security, and pretty much every time this happens I end up being the Head of Personnel. Fun!

Head of Personnel is by far the easiest traitor job since you’re basically just a slightly more suspicious captain. You have access to everywhere on the station, plus all the guns and trust you could ever hope for. You can actually just kill people in the middle of the hall and claim they tried to steal your ID if anyone says anything, of course you can’t go on a murderous rampage without anyone noticing but it’s great if you want to get rid of that annoying ass clown that just slipped you on a banana peel without any consequences.

Now for the round itself, as with all HoP traitor rounds, I just start out by giving all access out like copies of Crusader Kings 2 since if half the station has all access, security’s just going to be in complete fucking chaos as everyone’s work space gets invaded by assistants and clowns.

My objectives didn’t really matter, all I needed to do was steal the reflector vest and stay alive on the shuttle, and stealing ANYTHING as the HoP is a cakewalk since you have all access and nobody cares where the HoP goes or what he takes, so the first objective was finished within the first five minutes. Now it was time to be a dastardly, no good villainous traitor.

My first villainous act was to get rid of all lizard people on the station, my first target being the chef who I dragged to be sent off to the gulag, unfortunately some asshole brought him back from the gulag so I had to come up with another idea. A brilliant idea it was, since lizards are uncivilized savages anyways I thought “why not put him in a zoo?”, and so I shoved him in the xenobiology containment pen for safe keeping. However there was a scientist in the room who did not approve of my zoo, calling it inhumane or some shit, I didn’t really get why but he was being a giant douche and was trying to free the lizard from my zoo so I stunned him and left him in the enclosure alongside his lizard friend. Genius!

thezoo.png
I’M A FREAK, I’M A WEIRDO, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE, I DON’T BELONG HERE

Now I wasn’t going to just leave them in there to rot because that would be boring, instead I beamed in a single hostile slime. Shouldn’t be too bad right? Unfortunately the two captives were unable to work together to overcome my challenge and the lizard ended up being absorbed to death by the slime, just before the scientist could kill it.

For the next challenge I gave the scientist a gold slime extract and a plasma syringe, that way he could summon a random hostile NPC to fight. Unfortunately he decided to be a shitstain and used water on the extract, which just summoned a harmless cat. Can’t really work with that, and we were all out of plasma so I went to go get more from cargo so I could summon some hostile mobs myself. When I got back, however, some guy freed the scientist from the zoo which kind of took a shit all over my plans. At this point the zoo had actually outlived its usefulness so I left to create mischief elsewhere, but little did I know the scientist was bitter about the whole situation and was plotting my downfall. What a brute!

I went to the medbay next since genetics had some superpowers for me to use. I saw the HoS and asked if I could have a spare energy gun, but before the HoS could give it to me a fellow traitor came in and stunned both of us. He started murdering the HoS and quickly moved onto me, indeed this was almost the end, but I let him know that I too was a traitor and was willing to share my unspent telecrystals (i hadn’t bought any traitor items). Just like that he ceased his assault and let me go, and since I still have some honor I allowed him to buy a traitor crate with my telecrystals.

Now getting slashed with an energy sword multiple times really does hurt so I tried to find some medical supplies to heal myself with, but before I could get to them I saw what the scientist had done to get revenge on me. Using the gold slimes and a light pink slime (light pink slimes allow dead players to spawn as whatever mob the extract is used on), he created a hostile, sentient pine tree and ordered it to find and kill me. It caught me at the worst possible time since I was wounded, slowed, and had no lethal weaponry.

I tried running into the halls to seek aid but the killer pine tree caught up to me and hit me into critical condition, at which point a cyborg made a noble attempt to save me, but the pine tree followed it and prevented it from getting me medical attention in the medbay. Since the cyborg had no way of healing me and I was bleeding from getting stabbed repeatedly by a pine tree, I did actually just die. There wasn’t enough time to clone me either since the emergency shuttle was about to dock so I had to be left for dead, thus preventing me from completing my “escape on the shuttle alive” objective.

thezoo2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_Uo0VJihCU

Of all the ways for me to be killed that round, getting stabbed to death by a living pine tree was probably the most unexpected. But uh, at least I got that reflector vest, right? Yeah I’m not impressed either.

 

The Drunkard

Job: Security Officer

Round Type: Clockwork Cult

Immediately at the start of this round, the clockwork cult declared war. Since I was a security officer, there would be no rest for me. Now I’ve never seen a clockwork cult declare war before so I didn’t know what the fuck would be up, other than a confirmation of cultists and apparently they’d be stronger somehow.

These cultists weren’t afraid to fuck shit up, as within only five minutes I saw armored cultists running around with full armor and spears, murdering or converting anything and everything in their path. I think I killed one or two cultists at some points, but the cultists were simply too strong. Before I knew it, all of security was dead and many crew members were converted, indeed I was in the bone zone.

The emergency shuttle did arrive, and since it was the bar shuttle I knew what must be done.

MOOOOOOOOOORE BEER!

As fast as they could crank out Irish car bombs and screwdrivers, I was chugging them down, causing my blood-alcohol levels to go through the roof. Some guy tried shooting me but when I shot back we had a nice truce where I could keep chugging booze and he could keep doing whatever the fuck.

Now getting shot did hurt so I stumbled up to the medbay to get some heals, but just as I got there I got ambushed by a spear-wielding cultist and I was finally put out of my drunken misery. Luckily a doctor came to me with a defibrillator and revived my sorry drunken ass, though apparently I was so shitfaced that I was still drunk even after dying.

Soon after the clockwork ark was activated, and portals to it were spawning all over the station. I went in but I knew very well we had no chance of success, it was just me and a couple other assholes who knew the situation as well as I did. Luckily the admins made a custom bar area in the clockwork ark area as well, so I still had a chance to have a couple more shots before Ratvar was summoned.

Unfortunately the admin running the bar was just offering soda and kids meal snacks which pissed me off because if I ended the round sober I was going to be extremely upset, especially after everything I had poured down my throat. I yelled at him to get me some actual booze, to which he responded by going in his storage room for a minute. When he came back he gave me a drink labeled “GUARANTEED TO GET YOU 500% SHITFACED”, which sounded real fine at the moment.

When I drank it however, my screen started shaking the fuck out, going in all different kinds of directions, changing angles rapidly, zooming in and out, eventually it got so crazy my screen just went black. I don’t know what the fuck he put in there, but my god it lived up to the name and then some. To nobody’s surprise, the few non-cultist crew members (not counting me as I was pretty much incapacitated) were unable to prevent Ratvar from being summoned.

what shall we do with the drunken spaceman early in the morning…

 

The Head of Security, The Chemist, and The Jihadist Cyborg

Job: Head of Security

Round Type: Traitor

I’m not a huge fan of low population rounds (40-60 is my ideal player range) but when it’s 4:00 AM sometimes you have to settle for 33 players. I started this round as the Head of Security and while normally that would entail ordering security round, nobody was security except me. So I grabbed my trusty secway and set forth to put a stop to any and all SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY, unfortunately there was none for a while so I spent the first 10 or so minutes drunk driving in my very cool secway.

Finally I caught some SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY when I was rolling around medbay, suddenly the chemist bursts out of his area and asks for help, claiming that the roboticist was attacking him and violating his workplace. This seemed easy enough to deal with, I’d just tell the roboticist to piss off and if he didn’t I’d flash him and drag him off somewhere, however while I was telling the roboticist to shoo the chemist shot him a syringe of… something, I’m not exactly sure what it was, maybe some kind of traitor-exclusive toxins, either way it was lethal, though at first I just assumed it to be chloral hydrate or morphine. He then flushed the roboticist down disposals, and seeing that the roboticist had just had a heart attack I realized he might actually just be dead, which he was when I got there.

Still I decided not to take any action against the chemist since to me, he was just doing what he needed to get the intruder out of his area, and I kind of forgot about him when the captain arrived on the station and promptly killed himself in the hallways, allowing his body to be looted. Then I had to track down whoever got his all access ID that  I realized was a rather fruitless endeavor which I quickly abandoned, whoever got it didn’t seem to do much with it though I’m still not sure what caused the captain to just suicide like that, maybe he got a bad first impression of the station or something, balls if I know.

Later on some snitch sent me a PDA message telling me the chemist had shot a guy in a plant disguise with a syringe, and at this rate the chemist was getting rather suspicious so I went to preform a raid on his office to see if I could find anything nasty. With the help of a friendly cyborg I stormed in, arrested him and brought him back to the brig to be searched, whereupon I found several traitor items, one of which being an emag. Well at this point he was thoroughly busted and we both knew it so I offered him a deal; I would use the emag on an arcade (this causes whoever plays the arcade to explode if they lose or forfeit of the arcade game) and if he won I’d let him go, keeping all his traitor/chemist equipment of course.

I was just about to go through with the deal, changing him into an orange prison jumpsuit when the cyborg from earlier came in, I assumed to see what I was doing, but it turns out it was sent by someone (the ai? a traitor roboticist? I never figured out) to ruin my day, and so it did, suicide bombing right in the middle of both of us, killing everyone involved.

Luckily this story has something of a happy ending, since my body was recovered and cloned near the end of the round, which gave me just enough time to board the shuttle to have an epic duel with a space ninja, win said duel, claim the ninja’s sword as my prize, and then caught myself on fire with a “BURN patch” which normally would heal my burns, but some chucklehead took the literal route and made it just catch people on fire. Either way I extinguished the fire and made it to the end of the round.

A while after the round I realized the chemist was a fellow man of the Youtube sphere and actually has a video of this very round uploaded, so if you’d like to see this round from the chemist’s point of view, the video is right here.

 

The Really Shitty Wizard

Job: Wizard

Round Type: Wizard

It’s a bit amazing how often I end up getting picked as a wizard considering the round type isn’t terribly common and only one person gets picked as the wizard, but when I am a wizard I try and come up with a fun gimmick instead of just picking magic missile, firebolt, blink, the like, and going on a normal magical murderbone. Oh and before I go on here are the spells I picked:

  • Staff of Change – A staff with infinite charges that changes whatever it hits into a random mob, this can be anything from cyborgs, cows, slimes, etc.
  • Mind Swap – Swaps your body with whoever you’re right next to, knocking both of you out for a short period.
  • Ethereal Jaunt – Makes you disappear and able to go through anything for a few seconds, at which point you reappear. Requires a robe to use.
  • Firebolt – Shoots a firebolt. The firebolt explodes in flames.

Not caring about my objectives (kill the chemist and escape on the shuttle alive), the gimmick for this round I decided was that I was going to get a staff of change and mind swap, change someone into a drone, then mindswap them and take the staff of change. My reasoning here is that drones have a small hitbox, are very fast, and have all access, combine this with the deadly staff of change and nothing will prevent my spread of chaos across the station!

It however did not go like this, instead I teleported random places, polymorphing a good few crew members until I had to match wits with a pesky soap-dragging cyborg, who ran over me with the soap causing me to slip. Unfortunately a securitron was there at the moment and handcuffed me with my ethereal jaunt still on cooldown, at which point the cyborg started dragging me out into space. I was a little too slow on my mind swap which allowed the cyborg to drag me out into space. The bright side is that when I mind swapped, my old body was dying from being exposed to the cold and unforgiving nature of space, which lead to the cyborg being dead by the time I regained my consciouness.

I did manage to make my way to the station where I mind swapped into the CMO in an attempt to access EVA, where I’d get a space suit and a jetpack to retrieve my staff of change, but then I realized “wait shit the cmo doesn’t get eva access”, and then I also realized “shit ethereal jaunt requires the use of a magical robe”, so at this point my tactic just changed to running around, fireballing people, and mind swapping unsuspecting crew members.

Once I was done causing chaos (albeit without my staff of change which I dearly missed) I figured “hey the guy I turned into a xenomorph earlier is probably dead by now, I’ll just get on the shuttle, avoid trouble, and hopefully my objectives will be complete”, unfortunately my target was alive and well apparently, and so my dastardly plot was foiled once again.

———————–

These are all the tales I have for you today, but worry not, I shall be back one day with more TALES FROM SPACE STATION 13. In fact they might not even be in the form of an article, but an edited video! Now isn’t that exciting?

Remember to subscribe to The Buttbuddz, drink Pepsi, and be on the lookout for new high quality buttbuddz.com articles.

Board Game Online, Rematches, and Tryhards; Rules Proposed for Competitive BGO?

Board Game Online, the board game that is online, is a time-honored tradition within the Buttbuddz; it’s a sample of many game nights and the catalyst of many of our civil wars. Nowadays, there’s enough rounds of Board Game Online being played that it could arguably be considered a competitive sport around here. (Or perhaps more specifically, a competitive e-sport!)

competitive bgo
I can’t wait ’til Candy sees me up on the screens! We’ll be driving around in a fancy car!

With every rematch after rematch (after, of course, another rematch), the competitive BGO scene blossoms more and more as a result. As the competition grows more heated, players are figuring out ways to make their rounds more fair, fun, and free from any bullshittery. (E.g. The Hungriest Games.) These sweaty tryhards will do whatever they can to be the victor of Board Game Online!

As the competitive scene grows and the (re)matches grow more intense, the unofficially-official competitive BGO community is already proposing some ground rules for future rounds of Board Game Online. They are as follows:

#1: All Items

Yes, all items. Every single item in the game. Even the sucky ones.

Normally in competitive gaming, items usually get banned; however, they’re a crucial part of the Board Game Online experience. Why would anyone want to ban them if they’re so pivotal to the game-play? After all, items are one of the hugest strategical elements in BGO!

#2: Assassins Only

“Sprint, kill, and sprint some more!” —Specialized Adventuring! Description

A class dedicated to sprinting, killing, and speed boosts gained by killing is the only true way to play competitive Board Game Online; After all, you’re trying to get to the finish line, right? By having everyone play as assassins, not only are you giving everyone a good class to play as, you’re also making everything more fair, as everyone has the same abilities.

Now, you might be asking, “dual-typings are allowed right?” Nah. It’s just assassins; otherwise we’d have cheaters such as assassin-necromancers or assassin-saboteurs running around, and that would completely defeat the point of banning all classes but assassin. (That, and you can’t dual-type the same class; sadly, that means no “The Ultimate Assassin”/assassin-assassins.)

#3: Final Destination

Self-explanatory.

final destination

Had the competitive BGO scene come up with seven more rules, we might have a perfectly good top ten on our hands! (Let’s be real, though; they’re eventually gonna come up with seven more anyways… All we have to do is wait.)

As for the future of Buttbuddz BGO matches, nobody really knows for certain how things will turn out in the long run; Board Game Online is still being updated to this day. Will there be sweatier tryhards? Will there be a specific game-mode designated for competitive play? Will there be diss tracks written by the competitive community? …We just don’t know!

However, speculation has already started to arise among the players, as people are making educated guesses about the future of competitive BGO. In fact, let’s read one of them!

The year is 20XX. Everyone plays Assassin at levels of perfection comparable to BGO being somehow set on auto-pilot. Because of this, the winner of a match depends solely on joining priority, which means if you made the game, you automatically win. The Board Game Online metagame has evolved to ridiculous levels due to it being the only remaining factor to decide matches.

Doesn’t the future look great? In the meantime though, competitive Board Game Online is only just starting to begin; things might not turn out exactly like the prediction says, but we, the staff of Butt With A Blog promises to keep up with competitive BGO news updates as they come out!

Subscribe to the Buttbuddz for more rounds of Board Game Online.

The Buttcade – Splasher

What’s up, GAMERS!? Today, we’re gonna review a video game, and that video game is Splasher!

I’m not even sure if it was necessary to bold the title of the game, because Splasher’s title art is already doing a good job of being, well, bold.

Splasher is a side-scrolling action platformer and hydraulics simulator made by the similarly-named-to-the-game studio Splashteam. Also, this game was created by some of the people behind Rayman Origins, so you’re likely already familiar with Splashteam, although you just weren’t aware of it!

Is this the origin of Rayman!?

The story of Splasher takes place at Inkorp, a corporation that lives up to its name by making ink/paint/art liquids. At beginning of opening cut-scene, the player is treated to a tour of the factory, from its output of potato-based ink to the backroom containing Inkorp’s huge amount of custodians. (Which are referred to as “Splashers” within the game’s sales page descriptions.)

However, things are not what they seem at the workplace, as one custodian (and main character of the game), “Young Hero” discovers that Inkorp has been performing experiments on its employees.

“Young Hero” and the player even get to witness one of these experiments, in which one of the Splashers ends up… Well…

The only thing that would make this picture any more of an accurate description of Splasher’s opening cutscene would be the sole addition of a gas mask.

Horrified by what he just witnessed, our hero goes off to save any and all remaining coworkers, who are scattered across many of the game’s levels. Armed with a paint cannon, water, and two different kinds of ink, he is also in pursuit of Inkorp’s boss -the brute responsible for the experiments mentioned earlier- to make sure that his crime does not pay.

Of course, one of the reasons we play video games is for the gameplay, and Splasher delivers; the controls are nice and floaty, yet still fairly quick, and the properties of the inks are a highlight of the game. The red ink lets the player stick to surfaces they wouldn’t normally be able to, the yellow ink lets the player bounce around and reach new heights, and the water is for pretty much everything else.

If this all sounds fun to you, that’s because it is; The inks are very fun to use, even when you don’t have them unlocked, as the design of the earlier levels take advantage of its properties in a way that is still exciting and fun to play with. (And makes you all the more excited when you actually get them!)

Both types of ink also come with the Day 1 Collector’s Edition.

Aside from it’s main “play through the game normally” mode, the game also has a bunch of speedrunning options, so if you’re into speedruns, time-attacks and stuff like that, these modes will probably something you’ll enjoy.

To put it simply, Splasher is an excellent video game worth plenty of Pepsi cans. If Splashteam ever needs to put in a fourth liquid, perhaps they should consider adding Pepsi? 

SCORE: 243891359264669696243891359264669696243891359264669696243891359264669696243891359264669696

[PEPSIS 243891359264669696]

  • Simple visuals that look nice, yet still detailed enough to do Inkorp and its employees justice visually.
  • The ink mechanics are an absolute blast to use!
  • Game’s levels are challenging, yet still very fun.

[COKES brutecan]

  • I’m not really sure if this can be considered much of a “coke”, but on lower-end gaming setups Splasher‘s a bit slower and floatier. While it’s still very, very, very playable on them, I wouldn’t recommend speedrunning it on a toaster. (Especially if you’re trying to get the world record!)

Splasher‘s available for not only the PC, but the PS4 and Nintendo Switch, and you likely own at least one of those so you have no excuse not to get this game. Have fun gaming, gamers!

top ten

BUDDZCon: Our 2nd Anniversary Celebration!

Over the two years the Buttbuddz have existed, many YouTube videos have been made, and many subscribers have been gained. To celebrate our channel’s 2nd Anniversary, we’ll be holding the first ever BUDDZCon!

Yes, you read that correctly; BUDDZCon is our very own YouTube convention (located in Buttsburgh) that’s exclusively about the Buttbuddz, the best channel on the entire site. It will run from March 4th through March 4th (which was picked because it’s the release date of the hit video game Pepsiman), and it’s one party you will not want to miss!

To start off your BUDDZCon experience, everyone will have to attend the opening ceremony, in which Mr. Buttbuddz goes over the growth of our channel, and congratulates everyone for helping us get as far as we have. After all, without you -the subscribers and content-creators alike- The Buttbuddz would not be here today!

After the ceremony, you’re free to explore the convention center, and all of the fun events we have set up. Like panels? We’ve got plenty of them! Featured panels you’ll be looking forward to include (but aren’t limited to):

How To Make A Buttbuddz Top Ten

In this panel, you’ll get to witness the live creation of a Top Ten video, a staple of the Buttbuddz channel. One lucky audience member will have their suggestion for the Top Ten come to life, so be sure to bring in your best ideas!

Mr. Blobby’s Philosophy of Life

His philosophy of life will steer us through; There’s nothing in the world he cannot do, so that’s why Mr. Blobby is hosting his own panel; He knows he’ll show the world a thing or two!

07/27/1978 Live

The philosophical musings of John Blyth Barrymore are performed live for the first time, as he spends an hour discussing the significance of the Pipe Strip, a classic work of art among many Buttbuddz fans. (We promise, we won’t get a copyright claim for having him and the soundtrack of “Kundan” here.)

Anime Containment Panel

It was really hard to plan for BUDDZCon this year, and some of that was because the staff got into a heated argument over whether anime should be banned or not; This is the solution to that problem. …Honestly, we’re not sure what to actually do with this panel; you guys can discuss Moomin or something in it, we guess.

A visual representation of what that panel will probably be like…

Another fun, popular BUDDZCon activity is gaming, and naturally -like any gaming convention- we’ve got some video games set up for everyone to enjoy! Catch our gaming events to have lots of fun, and maybe even help make a Buttbuddz “Let’s Play” or two!

1:00 to 1:30 PM: let’s play a video game.
2:00 to 3:00 PM: Tower Unite Mini-Golf Tournament.
3:00 PM to 7:00 PM: Break Time. (Go take a nap, watch some shows, do whatever. Just don’t play any games.)
7:00 to 7:55 PM: wacky_races_v2 Race-Off. (All participants will randomly to teams RED/”Subscribe” and BLU/”Pepsi”)
8:00 PM to The Very End of BUDDZCon: Live “Let’s Play” Recording: Pepsiman(Which will eventually be posted on the Buttbuddz channel.)

Aside from panels and gaming, we’re also using the theater for Donkey Kong Country marathons and showing off the best of the Buttbuddz videos from the past two years, so you can check that out if you want.

Of course, all of these fun activities sound great, but there’s still one important question you’re about ready to ask us: How do I get into BUDDZCon anyways?

Well, aspiring guests, that’s why we have all sorts of tickets for all kinds of subscribers! From our budget “viewer” tickets, to our high-end “creator” type, there’s a ticket for anyone’s needs. (We also accept ticket payment in Buttcoin.)

“Hey Buttbuddz, what’s that Meet-and Greet Lottery you guys just mentioned?” Yeah, we’ll let you guys know about that, so don’t you worry about that.

Anyways, we hope that everybody attends BUDDZCon this year, and celebrates the 2nd Anniversay of the Buttbuddz with us! And remember to like, comment, and subscribe when you get there!

Tales From Space Station 13

What’s up Buttbuddz fans, today I have brought a collection of real stories originating from various Space Station 13 servers for your entertainment. Reader beware, you’re in for a scare..

The Fly Swatter

Job: Security Officer

Server: /tg/station

It’d be a lie if I said this round started normally as the first thing I heard over radio was “security a plant is breaking into chemistry”. Upon detaining the rogue plant I found out a flyperson was behind the whole scheme. While I’m beating him with my baton the warden started yelling at me because the flyperson is naked and disgusting, and a scientist comes up and offers to blow the fly up with a bomb. A tempting offer, but I’ve something else in mind: “How about instead, I hand it over to xenobiology so you can mutate it into something else besides a fly?”, with the scientist’s approval I bring him over to xenobiology (luckily for me i was picked as the science guard). The Research Director asked why I was in there, but once I explained I was making the fly a test subject for xenobiology he was happy to take control of the situation. As the RD dragged the fly into xenobiology, the last words I heard from the fly were “What is happening?”.

I’m not sure what the fuck happened to that flyperson as I never heard from him again. The rest of that round wasn’t too noteworthy besides me arresting a couple lizards who broke into the HoP office and helping the HoS kill his impostor. It would have been a happy ending, but alas someone bombed the shuttle just before it took off and I, along with 97% of the crew who were on the shuttle, died.

When the round ended I saw the person I gave the fly to was actually a traitor, so if I had to guess the fly probably ended up getting fed to slimes. Whoops!

The Squad Chef

Job: Squad Leader

Server: Colonial Marines

Things are always fun when I’m the squad leader, yes indeed if Roy Gerbil is your squad leader victory will be guaranteed, even if you lose! Unfortunately for us, during the briefing command gave my squad (charlie squad) FOB duty. FOB Duty is always the worst thing and least amount of fun you can have while playing Colonial Marines so I was praying for something interesting to happen.

While we were heading down on the dropship, I overheard my squad specialist talking about his plans to cook the local wildlife. An excellent idea if I say so myself! Since we were on FOB duty, I gave my squad some new orders to secure the kitchen and organized a small scouting party to go out and look for wildlife. Everything was going well, until my squad medic starts complaining about my idea, claiming we’re supposed to be fortifying the entire nexus and not just the kitchen. Clearly he was blind since I had one engineer securing the kitchen and another setting up FOB around the rest of the nexus.

Luckily the scouting party I sent came back with two dead monkeys, and now it was time to feast. Unfortunately the squad specialist, despite his ambitions, was not a great cook. He was a pretty bad cook in fact, as half the things he tried to make ended up as burnt messes. This was made worse by the fact that I forgot to eat my rations before I was sent down, so I was pretty fucking hungry, as such I ended up placing down a squad supply beacon and begged logistics to send down some food. They must not have got the message because all they ever sent down was ammo and metal, so I was forced to eat the specialist’s half-baked (or over-baked) trash which didn’t do much to satisfy my hunger.

While this is happening, hydroponics is being attacked by xenomorphs and my squad medic is still bitching at me for overseeing the kitchen operations instead of helping to reinforce hydroponics. But command never told me to reinforce hydroponics, as such my duty was still to guard the FOB and produce low-quality junk food. It was a good choice since hydroponics ended up falling shortly after, now we could get some action at the well-fortified FOB!

The xenos tried suicide charging a few times but with my excellent communication and use of close air support we managed to repel the attackers with minimal losses. Now it was time to take the initiative and make a counter push straight to hydroponics. The xenos couldn’t handle my highly unorthodox strategy and were forced to retreat across the river, where we continued our push and eventually won the game. All thanks to Squad Leader Roy Gerbil and his food rationing scheme!

The Corgi

Job: Corgi

Server: NoX Station

On the now inactive NoX station, there was an option to play as a corgi. Corgis were a joke role, and usually if someone were punished they’d be banned from all jobs except for corgi. This was because corgis were completely useless and incapable of doing anything on the station.

For some reason I decided to play as a corgi this round, and upon exiting the arrivals shuttle the first thing I see is an assistant and a security officer fighting each other in the arrivals checkpoint with the door wide open. Seeing my chance to do something as a corgi, I went in and started removing the security officer’s equipment. Since the officer was standing still in the same spot I actually managed to take off his security belt and taser while the assistant was disarming him, with this the assistant grabbed the baton, stunned the officer, then handcuffed him.

The officer swore to report me to the admins but as far as I know he just ended up getting laughed at for losing to a corgi as a security officer.

 

Those are all the stories I have for this article, please subscribe to the Buttbuddz for more great Tales From Space Station 13.

Why Rise of the Tomb Raider Is a Trash Game for Garbagemen – a BUTTBUDDZ review

Hey buttbuddz fans today we are going to take a quick look at a video game, and boy is it a stinker. Yeah that’s right, we’re talking about Rise of the Tomb Raider.

When you think about great video games, you realize there are many things which can make for a great video game. Depth, challenge, charm, good story, level design, satsifying mechanics, sound design. We live in a world where games such as Age of Empires 2 and Doom are played for decades thanks to their great design and mechanics, and games like Half Life and Final Fantasy 6 are loved for their timeless stories, creativity and all that stuff.

This part of the game was actually kinda fun, with you exploring a dungeon with some easy puzzles, some ACTUAL platforming. Too bad the game goes to shit after it.

However, today we are talking about Rise of the Tomb Raider. This game has a terrible story line which rips of Indiana Jones and 30s adventure movies, but changed the fun adventure and enjoyable characters to some trashy drama. The storyline is bad. The characters are cardboard, and we are presented to ancient tropes without any self awareness or interesting twists. This makes for an objectively boring storyline, and it doens’t help that the game tries to make you symphatize with Laura Croft by torturing her at every step. She is always being mauled by bears, hunted down by psychopaths and falling of cliffs. She probably can’t go to the store to buy bread and milk without stepping in a bear trap and falling off a cliff. In fact, bad things happen to her so much that I’m pretty sure the entire development team gets off  to this, and that’s quite nasty I think.

Of course, a video game is about playing a fun game, and a good story is irrelevant as long as we got enjoyable gameplay mechanics, good level design and fun things to do. I am happy to report that Rise of the Tomb Raider doesn’t have any of this. The game might try to trick you into believing that theres a lot of options and paths to take, but the game is linear with a few side paths here and there which reward you with nonsensical bullshit. There is also uncharted-style climbing, which is like watching a lets play of Super Mario 64. You hold down W or something and spam space and there you go you are watching Laura Croft slowly climbing up a wall. This isn’t fun. The game is also a cover based third person shooter. I don’t think I need to say more here, because by definition cover based third person shooters aren’t fun. Linear games can work, but this sure as hell doesn’t. The boring shooting and the boring climbing and the boring paths to walk down makes it feel like you’re on the worlds boringest rollercoaster. The game likes to think it’s survival based too, but you aren’t surviving and barely getting by when you got a bunch of guns and perfect bow and arrow skills on the linear roller coaster.

The publishers knew the game was crap, so one of the steam store page pictures is just Ms. Crofts face.  Good work.

I don’t want to write more about this game. It’s really bad, and is a good example on what video games shouldn’t be. Video games should be fun times where you explore interesting worlds, meet interesting characters and interact with fun mechanics as the game thinks up new ways to challenge your understanding of the mechanics. Rise of the Tomb Raider is just a crappy rollercoaster designed by a bunch of people who don’t like video games. And also I gotta say, this game is exactly the same as the last Tomb Raider. The story, the gameplay. Nothing has changed. It’s bad. Every time I try to do something fun the game punishes you. Avoid this game at all costs.

TOTAL SCORE: brutecangrey.pngbrutecangrey.pngbrutecan.pngbrutecan.pngbrutecan.png243891359264669696.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pngA pretty bad game which gets 3 coke cans for being boring and terrible. I will spare it the remaining 2 because i guess its competently made. I will also add a single Pepsi can for the good looking environments. This is a very generous score, which I think Square Enix should be happy with.

A No-Impression Review of Danganronpa V3

What’s up Buttbuddz fans, today I will be reviewing this video game which I have not played and barely seen. But I can tell whether or not something’s good or not just by looking at it, so don’t worry about it! Now I’ve at least heard of this game before, apparently it was banned from Something Awful, which left me wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

This is not an anime article.

Now my first no-impression with this game was not a good one, because I saw it was an anime, easily identifiable by the characters’ anime designs and the very Japanese names. I found out it was not all like that however, and I will get to that soon.

It could mean my subscription to the Ape Quarterly!

You see it seems only a large minority of the game is an anime with the rest of it, seemingly intentionally, appealing to Buttbuddz audiences, which almost makes up for it being an anime. Luckily anime styled games are being replaced with classic western styled games as the rise of games like Bendy And The Ink Machine (which the buttbuddz did a review on please check it out) and Cuphead show. But I’m getting off-topic, and this is a subject for a future article.

You can tell at least one of the developers was displeased with the game’s anime direction, as the game contains great cartoon bears and references to Disney’s Toontown Online. Now you may not see the Toontown Online reference in this image, but according to legend the voice actor for this character who was a FISH in a past life also voiced Spike Spiegel in the kind-of-anime Cowboy Bebop, and Spike Spiegel is the name of Pickles The Random Toon’s toon. There is also an unconfirmed reference to the Bean Counter cog from Toontown Online, but it could also be a reference to actual bean counting.

So for my no-impressions review of Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony, I rate it

 – 1 1/2 PEPSI CANS out of 5 – for great Buttbuddz references and not-anime things in an anime game, with the potential for more if I had any idea of what the gameplay was like

 – 1 COKE CAN out of 5 – for being anime

If you enjoyed this review of Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony go check out the new Danganronpa related video on The Buttbuddz Youtube channel!, and do subscribe while you’re there!

Is Kirby Really Evil in Squeak Squad? The Manga Explains All!

Remember Game Review #1: Kirby: Squeak Squad, one of our first ever articles on the blog? Of course you don’t; The quality of articles didn’t get to “memorable” levels until about two days later. (So memorably, in fact, that we can still feel the waves of the Pretty Cure Content Flood of Summer 2017 to this day; At this point, we might as well give Cure Marine her own pillar/merge it with the Sailor Moon one…)

So what separates that simple, humble review of a Kirby game from our many great articles after it? Well, what if we told you it was an awkward, early article that suffered from being rushed? Sure, the game-play part of the review turned out okay, but the critical research failures within the review were about the game’s LORE.

Yeah, that’s right; Kirby: Squeak Squad‘s lore is a lot deeper than it looks, and -like the original article mentions- is not very noticeable in the game, for you see… Everything’s actually in Squeak Squad‘s manga adaptation!

Yes, it’s real, and some of it’s even been scanned/translated by fans before. (Keyword here being “some.” The sites and their manga sections have been inactive for years, so I wouldn’t expect more to pop up anytime soon…)

First off, the manga goes over time and time again that Kirby is not evil. For example, -rather than being up everyone over cake- here’s Kirby spreading the wealth of Maxim Tomatoes and Invincible Candies with Dreamland’s residents, making every man a king comparable to the likes of Dedede in the process.

Speaking of King Dedede, Kirby also offers the great king parts of the plot’s strawberry shortcake if he helps look for it; Kirby sure is a straight up honest guy!

For a game commonly nicknamed “Kirby’s Fucking Pissed”, the manga is somehow a lot calmer; Even the “treasure chest that contains the cake/villain” part of the plot is more sugary-sweet than what one would’ve seen in the game!

[Pictured: What Kirby keeps assuming what happens to the cake every time anyone takes it.]
Of course, we know what you’re really here for; RATS. Don’t worry, they make plenty of appearances throughout the manga adaptation of the game they star in.

Even Kirby himself liked Squeak Squad’s very own rat clan enough to try and join them at one point in the manga!

He already had the Rats Mix-tape; Joining the Rat Clan was only the next logical step!

There still might not be any Escargoon in the game’s manga, but to say that Kirby: Squeak Squad doesn’t have a lot of lore for a Kirby title is simply a mistake; Squeak Squad has as much of a story as any other title, you just have to know where to look for it!

This article was brought to you by Fivebuddz: Buttbuddz-quality freelancing for only $5 of the Buttbuddz budget! (Or, alternatively, over 500 jelly beans.)

It Happened in Toon Valley: Where Are All of the Vibrant Toons Now?

For as long as there’s been SpeedChat Plus, there’s been Toon Valley. Despite having gone through many names over the years, it’s become an infamous staple of Toontown Online; Whether one has always known it as Nutty River, or Vibrant Valley, everyone can always agree that it’s almost like a state of mind among the game’s player base.

And despite Disney’s noblest intentions with implementing the chat system, nobody has ever used SpeedChat Plus for it’s intended purpose; Actually planning things.

However, with Toontown Rewritten‘s newest 2.0.0 update and the game finally leaving beta, one of the many changes the team made to current build of their Toontown remake was renaming all of the districts again. What was wrong with names like Colorful Canvas, Stencil Steppe, and Acrylic Acres? Those were perfectly fine district names!

A hopefully-intended side effect of renaming the districts was getting rid of the Vibrant Valley residents; Well, it worked. Sort of. They got rid of Vibrant Valley, but they couldn’t get rid of the Vibrant Valley; It’s just been displaced from its home-district once again, now wandering around from Blam Canyon to Zoink Falls in search of its new namesake and home.

So what’s Toon Valley’s latest incarnation then? Problem is, it’s a lot tougher than normal to find out, as its former populous is currently split up among Toontown’s many districts. Just as quickly as they’ve been displaced, though, they’ve just as quickly narrowed their choices down for their newest home.

First off, they’re not gonna pick a SpeedChat-only district; That would completely defeat the point of being Toon Valley. After all, one can’t make clans or invite people to one’s lousy game show with the default SpeedChat. This means that we know for certain it’s not Boingbury, Gulp Gulch, or Whoosh Rapids; You can’t become Toon Valley if you don’t have the chat system needed for Toon Valley to begin with!

However, you can buy the “I wish I had Speedchat Plus” phrase from the catalog for 100 jellybeans.

Another clue to figuring out which district would be the newest incarnation of Toon Valley is its color: Blue districts are barren worlds, free from the influence of the Valley, and -luckily for us- make up the majority of the districts. (Because how many people are on Toontown at any given moment, really… Maybe a few thousand at most?)

…As for the one red district that always seems to show up in game, well… There’s a reason it’s considered “full”; It’s currently being used as Toon Valley! Think of as the game doing you a favor by not letting you into, for an example based on the screencap below, Bounceboro, at that very moment.

This is an accurate reflection of how Toontown districts work in game.

Another thing to keep in mind is what time you’re playing the game as well; If it’s too early in the morning or too late at night, not a lot of people are going to be online, and as a result, it would be harder for Toon Valley to keep a stable hold on a district; At worst, maybe you’ll just find a small pack of brutes, but you WON’T be finding any massive brute-conventions that end up covering most of Toontown Central.

If -for some unknown reason- you actually want to go to Toon Valley, the afternoon and evening would be your best bets on finding its newest host district. (Do keep in mind that both the game, AND this article are following American time zones, so going in the afternoon/evening might not work for everyone, everywhere.)

With all of that said, you have successfully found the newest incarnation of Toon Valley! …Or, at least in theory, you would have found it; The real question is whether or not it holds up in practice. Yeah, that’s right; We’re gonna go to Toon Valley!

…Oh god, we’re gonna go to Toon Valley.

For our mission, we’re gonna be sending a RAT, a protector of Toontown Central’s streets, to the newest incarnation of Toon Valley.

We were gonna send in the Rat Clan’s giant rat, but he’s been MIA for awhile…

You see, Rat Jack is already experienced in dealing with Vibrant Toons; He and his boss, Giant Rat, have encountered cats, and even a hacker before! If Jack’s dealt with some of the worst Vibrant Valley had to offer, then surely he can navigate his way through its newest incarnation, right?

…Wait, what do you mean that Bounceboro’s TTC, the only red district in the game at the time, was completely barren!?

“Normally, you’d see toons all of the toons meet up in the middle, but nobody’s here today.” – Rat Jack, after teleporting back to Buttbuddz HQ.

 

We sent another one of our toons, Peony, to the other playgrounds that Rat Jack was unable to cover, and as it turns out… The reason Bounceboro’s been red all day was because of a an all-day beanfest located in Donald’s Dreamland!?

Well, at least I’m finally getting paid to write articles.

But when all hope seemed lost, it turns out that Toon Valley was in actually Thwackville (a green district) at the time! Rat Jack couldn’t believe it; the Vibrant Valley he knew before was still alive. Perhaps not as alive as it once was, but it certainly was alive.

Seeing how quiet it was at the time, I don’t think you missed anything.

When Rat Jack returned to the Buttbuddz HQ a second time, he did mention that Thwackville/Vibrant Valley was a little calmer than it would’ve usually been, which he found kind of odd. However, -as mentioned earlier in this article- the removal of the Vibrant Valley district had been causing more than a few issues for its residents. Or perhaps, maybe Rat Jack just showed up during a calmer moment for the reconstructing community, and it was/became FUCKING TERRIBLE before/after his brief visit to the district.

This article, though, is about proving Toon Valley still exists, not about the Toon Valley experience itself. If you’re reading this article, you’re already likely familiar with what the district in its many forms -including its currently-nomadic one- is like; We don’t need to, or even WANT to go over it again.

Pictured: Two of Thwackville’s cats confirming that our theory is indeed correct.

In conclusion, you can take Vibrant Valley district out of Toontown, but you can’t truly take the Vibrant out of the Valley. Now whether or not Vibrant’s toons will stick with Thwackville, or eventually settle onto another district, only time can answer that… In the meantime though, be careful when going into red and green districts, especially if you’re located in Toontown Central; You’ll never be able to truly know if the district you’re moving to is actually just Toon Valley!

Also, subscribe to the Buttbuddz for more quality investigative journalism like you just read in this article, as well as many other exciting types of articles you won’t want to miss!

Why Cboyardee is the Most Important Man on the Internet

Cboyardee, also known as Chef Boyardee. A name not often heard today, but back in the day he was known as memelord 1#. In fact, the modern internet has a lot to owe to this man, shrek memes, MS Paint videos and great video games. Let’s take a closer look.

Cboyardees most important work.

First, let’s take a look at Cboyardees most popular, but not most influencal work, Dilbert 2. It’s MS-Paint aesthetics are known across the world for it’s quality and artsyness, and the video remains popular despite Cboyardees original channel being deleted by YouBrute. Despite being a popular video, it hasn’t influenced the world as much as it’s sequel, Dilbert 3.

Is Dilbert 3 more important than Dilbert 2?!?

You see, Dilbert 3 introduced the world to robocop.mp3, a remix of the theme song for Robocop for the commodore 64 or something. This great remix would rather become the theme song for clowns in Space Station 13.

Yeah that’s right, without Cboyardee we wouldn’t have this most excellent tune.

And while you see, the Dilbert videos are popular and well known, Cboyardee has done a lot more for the internet, too much for one article, so I am going to mention two more groundbreaking achievements of his.

Cboyardee invented Shrek memes. Yeah that’s right, long before “Shrek is love, Shrek is life”,  Cboyardee created the classic “Shrek is NOT Drek” video, and also a daily series of Shrek themed jokes and even a let’s play of Shrek on the GBA. So if you enjoy Shrek related memes, remember to thank Cboyardee.

But now my good friends, we will look at Cboyardee‘s greatest achivement. A complete, classic vidcon enjoyed by childs all over the world. I am of course talking about the everylasting classic of  vidcon, it is BARKLEY SHUT UP AND JAM GAIDEN!

Yeah that’s right, Cboyardee was one of the devs and also the composer of this classic vidcon. If that doesn’t make you an important man on the internet, then I don’t know what will. And despite the fact his YouTube was purged long ago, you can still find Cboyardee hidden on the internet, working on Barkley 2 which will come out in the year 20XX, and you’re very exited for it.

But now I have to go, I have some b-ballin’ to do. I am very grateful to live in a world where b-ball isn’t outlawed, so byebye.