NASA announces plans to send satellites into the Pepsi Galaxy

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Today, NASA had finally confirmed its plans to send satellites into the Pepsi Galaxy. The organization says it’s for researching purposes, as data on the galaxy is still surprisingly scarce.

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Discovered over a decade ago on August 4, 2008, the Pepsi Galaxy is noted for all of it’s planets resembling a certain soft drink’s famous logo, as well as having two different orbiting paths for said planets to rotate on.

Of course, this is by no means the first time NASA has acknowledged Pepsi; For starters, NASA has an instrument named after it that they used with a spacecraft that was heading to Pluto. Pepsi itself was no slouch in regards to heading to the stars either, as throughout the 1980s, plenty of advertisements were made, hoping that the soft drink would make it to outer space.

Eventually, NASA and PepsiCo would team up in 1985 and send a can of Pepsi into outer space aboard one of it’s space shuttles, making history for not just space travel, but for the soda industry as well!

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Granted, it looks more like a can of whipped cream than a can of soda, but that’s because nobody could use traditional drink cans in space.

With NASA satellites heading towards the Pepsi Galaxy soon, one wonders what they’ll find out there; will there be Pepsi on these planets? Will there be life on them? How about life on the planets that drink Pepsi? Could they even find a Pepsi Universe!?

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Overall, everyone here at the Buttbuddz wish NASA the best of luck on their journey to discover the Pepsi Galaxy. Oh, and we also wish for you, the potential subscriber reading this article, to like, comment, and follow us for more amazing Pepsi News!

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Tales From Space Station 13 – Chapter 2: The Space Station Of Sullied Dreams

Welcome back THE BUTTBUDDZ fans, here I bring you a tale. A tale of jesters and fools living on a metal death trap in space, filled with mall cops and clowns, plasma fires and endless rounds, and some other stuff probably. All of the following are true stories from /tg/station (on the basil server specifically), this time I’ll provide useful links for a full picture. As you may have figured out by the title, pretty much every story here ends in tears, rage, and regret. But then again, isn’t that just Space Station 13?

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The Disguise

Job: Security Officer/Cargo Technician

Round Type: Traitor

Saying my job was “Cargo Technician” would only be half true, in reality I was actually an undercover security officer this entire round. I made sure every item I had made me unrecognizable as security, save for a taser that I kept in my belt, but that wasn’t noticeable on my sprite and could just mean I’m a well armed member of Cargonia. I still had a mindshield implant as a hint to fellow officers that I’m undercover but that still leaves some to the imagination.

I used my position as a “cargo technician” to order guns and other security equipment to bring back to the brig, and since we had an abundance of points nobody minded.

I heard over radio there was someone attempting to break into the armory from space, so I grabbed a space suit from EVA and made my way around the station. There I found him in a syndicate space suit with an energy sword  around one of the science airlocks, however I don’t think he noticed I was security since he didn’t attempt to murder me or run away. Using his sense of security to my imagine, I grabbed my stun baton and hovered towards him. He managed to get one hit on me before I stunned him, at which point it was over; I grabbed his energy sword and sliced him to death with it. I brought his body back to security and donated the e-sword to the HoS. A fine job, if I do say so myself!

Later in the round, I was bringing a crate to the brig when a second traitor broke in with a double energy sword and murdered the lawyer right in front of me! Since double energy swords block both energy projectiles and most melee weapons, I realized what I needed to do to defeat him. When he ran up to me I took out my flash and pointed that shit right in his eyes, causing him to become stunned which gave me the perfect opportunity to once again take a traitor’s energy sword and murder them with it. This time I decided to keep the energy sword as a nice little prize, after all I had just defeated two traitors in glorious battle, it’s only fair I get something out of it.

Near the end of the round, just a minute before the emergency shuttle docked I was in cargo when suddenly I get shot by a taser and detained by an officer who doesn’t realize I’m undercover. Now if I made any mistake in the round it was definitely here, you see instead of flat out telling him I was in fact a security officer I was hoping either he would figure it out himself or someone would remind him, however I did not, so he ended up stealing my hard earned loot right from my satchel.

As a bit of a consolation, the HoS did promise to give me a “robust security” medal for defeating two traitors, however the emergency shuttle docked and I completely lost track of the HoS. There was one problem though; earlier in the round, the captain ordered the “Disco Inferno” shuttle, which as the name implies, has a disco in it. Also as the name implies, it’s made of plasma floors and plasma walls which burst into flames extremely easily, all it takes is one asshat with a welder and suddenly everything is on fire. That is exactly what happened, some joker ended up setting the shuttle on fire which killed almost everyone in the shuttle, myself included.

In the end I never got my double e-sword back or my medal, so I suppose if there’s a moral to this story it would be never take things to extremes, and that includes LARPing as a cargo tech.

 

The Burger

Job: Captain

Round Type: Wizard/Traitor

Sometimes in Space Station 13 the best moments are not the most glorious victories, but the most laughable failures. This story is about one of the latter.

I started as the captain, and did standard captain things like changing the station’s name and being little more than an assistant with all access. There was actually a wizard that round but the wizard was unremarkable and terrible as he caused very little chaos and got butt slammed about 10 minutes into the round. He met his end as a group of security and armed crew cornered him, at which point I ran in with my sabre, sliced his head off and promptly made an announcement taking credit for the kill. Truly, I am a great marksmanship of the space station.

As the captain I like rewarding the crew for doing their jobs, so I decided to ask the cook for a super bite burger, which is a very, very large burger that requires many ingredients and takes a while to make. In exchange for making the burger I’d give him my captain’s flask. A minute or two later and I got a message from the cook that my burger was ready so I headed over to get my lunch.

The cook set it down on a table, I walked over, picked up the burger and suddenly I’m a ghost. Wait what the fuck? As it turns out the cook was a traitor and used a holoparasite to booby trap the burger so when I picked it up I exploded, causing my limbs to go flying everywhere and die instantly.

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A fellow dead player comments on the circumstances of my death

Now I’ve never died to a holoparasite (mostly because I never see any holoparasites in the first place) before so when this happened I was laughing my ass off, but I was still very confused why I just exploded upon picking up the burger. Turns out holoparasites can attach explosives to items, blowing up the poor sucker who takes the bait, and believe me I took the bait hook line and sinker! After that, the cook tried inviting the HoS over for a burger as well, but the HoS was more busy trying to find out what happened to the captain who suddenly stopped talking over comms a couple minutes ago.

The station went to shit pretty soon after that as some guy went full Cuban Pete mode and bombed half the station while a changeling went on a rampage with an arm blade. Needless to say the emergency shuttle was called as soon as it could’ve been.

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The captain goes down with the ship, and the ship goes down with the captain

 

The Zookeeper

Job: Head of Personnel/Traitor

Round Type: Traitor

Normally at round start I queue for security roles, however security can never become antagonists. Luckily the game will still select you for a potential antag role outside of security, and pretty much every time this happens I end up being the Head of Personnel. Fun!

Head of Personnel is by far the easiest traitor job since you’re basically just a slightly more suspicious captain. You have access to everywhere on the station, plus all the guns and trust you could ever hope for. You can actually just kill people in the middle of the hall and claim they tried to steal your ID if anyone says anything, of course you can’t go on a murderous rampage without anyone noticing but it’s great if you want to get rid of that annoying ass clown that just slipped you on a banana peel without any consequences.

Now for the round itself, as with all HoP traitor rounds, I just start out by giving all access out like copies of Crusader Kings 2 since if half the station has all access, security’s just going to be in complete fucking chaos as everyone’s work space gets invaded by assistants and clowns.

My objectives didn’t really matter, all I needed to do was steal the reflector vest and stay alive on the shuttle, and stealing ANYTHING as the HoP is a cakewalk since you have all access and nobody cares where the HoP goes or what he takes, so the first objective was finished within the first five minutes. Now it was time to be a dastardly, no good villainous traitor.

My first villainous act was to get rid of all lizard people on the station, my first target being the chef who I dragged to be sent off to the gulag, unfortunately some asshole brought him back from the gulag so I had to come up with another idea. A brilliant idea it was, since lizards are uncivilized savages anyways I thought “why not put him in a zoo?”, and so I shoved him in the xenobiology containment pen for safe keeping. However there was a scientist in the room who did not approve of my zoo, calling it inhumane or some shit, I didn’t really get why but he was being a giant douche and was trying to free the lizard from my zoo so I stunned him and left him in the enclosure alongside his lizard friend. Genius!

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I’M A FREAK, I’M A WEIRDO, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE, I DON’T BELONG HERE

Now I wasn’t going to just leave them in there to rot because that would be boring, instead I beamed in a single hostile slime. Shouldn’t be too bad right? Unfortunately the two captives were unable to work together to overcome my challenge and the lizard ended up being absorbed to death by the slime, just before the scientist could kill it.

For the next challenge I gave the scientist a gold slime extract and a plasma syringe, that way he could summon a random hostile NPC to fight. Unfortunately he decided to be a shitstain and used water on the extract, which just summoned a harmless cat. Can’t really work with that, and we were all out of plasma so I went to go get more from cargo so I could summon some hostile mobs myself. When I got back, however, some guy freed the scientist from the zoo which kind of took a shit all over my plans. At this point the zoo had actually outlived its usefulness so I left to create mischief elsewhere, but little did I know the scientist was bitter about the whole situation and was plotting my downfall. What a brute!

I went to the medbay next since genetics had some superpowers for me to use. I saw the HoS and asked if I could have a spare energy gun, but before the HoS could give it to me a fellow traitor came in and stunned both of us. He started murdering the HoS and quickly moved onto me, indeed this was almost the end, but I let him know that I too was a traitor and was willing to share my unspent telecrystals (i hadn’t bought any traitor items). Just like that he ceased his assault and let me go, and since I still have some honor I allowed him to buy a traitor crate with my telecrystals.

Now getting slashed with an energy sword multiple times really does hurt so I tried to find some medical supplies to heal myself with, but before I could get to them I saw what the scientist had done to get revenge on me. Using the gold slimes and a light pink slime (light pink slimes allow dead players to spawn as whatever mob the extract is used on), he created a hostile, sentient pine tree and ordered it to find and kill me. It caught me at the worst possible time since I was wounded, slowed, and had no lethal weaponry.

I tried running into the halls to seek aid but the killer pine tree caught up to me and hit me into critical condition, at which point a cyborg made a noble attempt to save me, but the pine tree followed it and prevented it from getting me medical attention in the medbay. Since the cyborg had no way of healing me and I was bleeding from getting stabbed repeatedly by a pine tree, I did actually just die. There wasn’t enough time to clone me either since the emergency shuttle was about to dock so I had to be left for dead, thus preventing me from completing my “escape on the shuttle alive” objective.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_Uo0VJihCU

Of all the ways for me to be killed that round, getting stabbed to death by a living pine tree was probably the most unexpected. But uh, at least I got that reflector vest, right? Yeah I’m not impressed either.

 

The Drunkard

Job: Security Officer

Round Type: Clockwork Cult

Immediately at the start of this round, the clockwork cult declared war. Since I was a security officer, there would be no rest for me. Now I’ve never seen a clockwork cult declare war before so I didn’t know what the fuck would be up, other than a confirmation of cultists and apparently they’d be stronger somehow.

These cultists weren’t afraid to fuck shit up, as within only five minutes I saw armored cultists running around with full armor and spears, murdering or converting anything and everything in their path. I think I killed one or two cultists at some points, but the cultists were simply too strong. Before I knew it, all of security was dead and many crew members were converted, indeed I was in the bone zone.

The emergency shuttle did arrive, and since it was the bar shuttle I knew what must be done.

MOOOOOOOOOORE BEER!

As fast as they could crank out Irish car bombs and screwdrivers, I was chugging them down, causing my blood-alcohol levels to go through the roof. Some guy tried shooting me but when I shot back we had a nice truce where I could keep chugging booze and he could keep doing whatever the fuck.

Now getting shot did hurt so I stumbled up to the medbay to get some heals, but just as I got there I got ambushed by a spear-wielding cultist and I was finally put out of my drunken misery. Luckily a doctor came to me with a defibrillator and revived my sorry drunken ass, though apparently I was so shitfaced that I was still drunk even after dying.

Soon after the clockwork ark was activated, and portals to it were spawning all over the station. I went in but I knew very well we had no chance of success, it was just me and a couple other assholes who knew the situation as well as I did. Luckily the admins made a custom bar area in the clockwork ark area as well, so I still had a chance to have a couple more shots before Ratvar was summoned.

Unfortunately the admin running the bar was just offering soda and kids meal snacks which pissed me off because if I ended the round sober I was going to be extremely upset, especially after everything I had poured down my throat. I yelled at him to get me some actual booze, to which he responded by going in his storage room for a minute. When he came back he gave me a drink labeled “GUARANTEED TO GET YOU 500% SHITFACED”, which sounded real fine at the moment.

When I drank it however, my screen started shaking the fuck out, going in all different kinds of directions, changing angles rapidly, zooming in and out, eventually it got so crazy my screen just went black. I don’t know what the fuck he put in there, but my god it lived up to the name and then some. To nobody’s surprise, the few non-cultist crew members (not counting me as I was pretty much incapacitated) were unable to prevent Ratvar from being summoned.

what shall we do with the drunken spaceman early in the morning…

 

The Head of Security, The Chemist, and The Jihadist Cyborg

Job: Head of Security

Round Type: Traitor

I’m not a huge fan of low population rounds (40-60 is my ideal player range) but when it’s 4:00 AM sometimes you have to settle for 33 players. I started this round as the Head of Security and while normally that would entail ordering security round, nobody was security except me. So I grabbed my trusty secway and set forth to put a stop to any and all SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY, unfortunately there was none for a while so I spent the first 10 or so minutes drunk driving in my very cool secway.

Finally I caught some SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY when I was rolling around medbay, suddenly the chemist bursts out of his area and asks for help, claiming that the roboticist was attacking him and violating his workplace. This seemed easy enough to deal with, I’d just tell the roboticist to piss off and if he didn’t I’d flash him and drag him off somewhere, however while I was telling the roboticist to shoo the chemist shot him a syringe of… something, I’m not exactly sure what it was, maybe some kind of traitor-exclusive toxins, either way it was lethal, though at first I just assumed it to be chloral hydrate or morphine. He then flushed the roboticist down disposals, and seeing that the roboticist had just had a heart attack I realized he might actually just be dead, which he was when I got there.

Still I decided not to take any action against the chemist since to me, he was just doing what he needed to get the intruder out of his area, and I kind of forgot about him when the captain arrived on the station and promptly killed himself in the hallways, allowing his body to be looted. Then I had to track down whoever got his all access ID that  I realized was a rather fruitless endeavor which I quickly abandoned, whoever got it didn’t seem to do much with it though I’m still not sure what caused the captain to just suicide like that, maybe he got a bad first impression of the station or something, balls if I know.

Later on some snitch sent me a PDA message telling me the chemist had shot a guy in a plant disguise with a syringe, and at this rate the chemist was getting rather suspicious so I went to preform a raid on his office to see if I could find anything nasty. With the help of a friendly cyborg I stormed in, arrested him and brought him back to the brig to be searched, whereupon I found several traitor items, one of which being an emag. Well at this point he was thoroughly busted and we both knew it so I offered him a deal; I would use the emag on an arcade (this causes whoever plays the arcade to explode if they lose or forfeit of the arcade game) and if he won I’d let him go, keeping all his traitor/chemist equipment of course.

I was just about to go through with the deal, changing him into an orange prison jumpsuit when the cyborg from earlier came in, I assumed to see what I was doing, but it turns out it was sent by someone (the ai? a traitor roboticist? I never figured out) to ruin my day, and so it did, suicide bombing right in the middle of both of us, killing everyone involved.

Luckily this story has something of a happy ending, since my body was recovered and cloned near the end of the round, which gave me just enough time to board the shuttle to have an epic duel with a space ninja, win said duel, claim the ninja’s sword as my prize, and then caught myself on fire with a “BURN patch” which normally would heal my burns, but some chucklehead took the literal route and made it just catch people on fire. Either way I extinguished the fire and made it to the end of the round.

A while after the round I realized the chemist was a fellow man of the Youtube sphere and actually has a video of this very round uploaded, so if you’d like to see this round from the chemist’s point of view, the video is right here.

 

The Really Shitty Wizard

Job: Wizard

Round Type: Wizard

It’s a bit amazing how often I end up getting picked as a wizard considering the round type isn’t terribly common and only one person gets picked as the wizard, but when I am a wizard I try and come up with a fun gimmick instead of just picking magic missile, firebolt, blink, the like, and going on a normal magical murderbone. Oh and before I go on here are the spells I picked:

  • Staff of Change – A staff with infinite charges that changes whatever it hits into a random mob, this can be anything from cyborgs, cows, slimes, etc.
  • Mind Swap – Swaps your body with whoever you’re right next to, knocking both of you out for a short period.
  • Ethereal Jaunt – Makes you disappear and able to go through anything for a few seconds, at which point you reappear. Requires a robe to use.
  • Firebolt – Shoots a firebolt. The firebolt explodes in flames.

Not caring about my objectives (kill the chemist and escape on the shuttle alive), the gimmick for this round I decided was that I was going to get a staff of change and mind swap, change someone into a drone, then mindswap them and take the staff of change. My reasoning here is that drones have a small hitbox, are very fast, and have all access, combine this with the deadly staff of change and nothing will prevent my spread of chaos across the station!

It however did not go like this, instead I teleported random places, polymorphing a good few crew members until I had to match wits with a pesky soap-dragging cyborg, who ran over me with the soap causing me to slip. Unfortunately a securitron was there at the moment and handcuffed me with my ethereal jaunt still on cooldown, at which point the cyborg started dragging me out into space. I was a little too slow on my mind swap which allowed the cyborg to drag me out into space. The bright side is that when I mind swapped, my old body was dying from being exposed to the cold and unforgiving nature of space, which lead to the cyborg being dead by the time I regained my consciouness.

I did manage to make my way to the station where I mind swapped into the CMO in an attempt to access EVA, where I’d get a space suit and a jetpack to retrieve my staff of change, but then I realized “wait shit the cmo doesn’t get eva access”, and then I also realized “shit ethereal jaunt requires the use of a magical robe”, so at this point my tactic just changed to running around, fireballing people, and mind swapping unsuspecting crew members.

Once I was done causing chaos (albeit without my staff of change which I dearly missed) I figured “hey the guy I turned into a xenomorph earlier is probably dead by now, I’ll just get on the shuttle, avoid trouble, and hopefully my objectives will be complete”, unfortunately my target was alive and well apparently, and so my dastardly plot was foiled once again.

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These are all the tales I have for you today, but worry not, I shall be back one day with more TALES FROM SPACE STATION 13. In fact they might not even be in the form of an article, but an edited video! Now isn’t that exciting?

Remember to subscribe to The Buttbuddz, drink Pepsi, and be on the lookout for new high quality buttbuddz.com articles.

Izumi Todo – A Life of Mahou Shogunate

Hey Buttbuddz™ fans it’s me back with another great new anime article, which research shows are the favorite articles of you Buttbuddz™ so here it is.

Mahou Shojo is a very popular subgenere of anime*, especially among the Buttbuddz™ fanbase  (hi comica) which is why we will look into the very complex tale of the creator of all your favorite mahou shogun shows Izumi Todo of Toei Corporation.

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No known photographs of Izumi Todo exists, so here’s an artist representation

Izumi Todo was born October 1, 1950 in a small cabin at the foot of Mt. Fuji to a family of very proud samurai, until they realized the time of the samurai was 300 years prior, so they decided to become shoemakers instead. After a normal upbringing, Izumi Todo was really desperate for a job (really desperate) so he got a job at ‘Toe Animation’ (This was before the merger with ‘I -Pictures’ which made it Toei Animation).

Izumi Todo had a very bad first 20 years of his internship as he had to mine asbestos for the animation cels. In those days, every animation studio of Japan was built inside asbestos mines so they could get asbestos for the animated cels. Then in the late 1990s he was promoted to “Creator of Cartoon”, or CoC.  Inspired by his samurai ancestors, Izumi Todo decided to make a new popular anime in the girls Mahou Shogun genere.

The first known anime created by Izumi Todo  was OjEmoji Doremi, which was the prequel to the hit movie The Emoji Movie. Even in this first cartoon you could see that Izumi Todo knew exactly what made for a good Mahou Shogun anime, which is, as described in this, Funny Faces and maybe some smears. It was also based on the true life story of Buttbuddz™ Member Pickles the Random Toon, believe it or not.

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A funny face which is also smearing, showing the mastery of mahou shogun at toei

The series ran for 200 episodes, but had to be canceled when they realized the show was really really long. This brought up the problem that a show can only last 200 episodes before it gets pretty lame (see: The Simpsons). Izumi Todo now had to figure out how to make an Mahoo Shojougun which could run forever and also earn lots of cash in merchandising. So after some experimentation with shows about hamsters, Izumi Todo created Futari wa Pretty Cure which is a very popular anime among the buttbuddz fanbase (Don’t X out this window yet, Comica!). After each season, the series introduced new Precures to save the world and made by different cartoonists and writers, which means each season is actually a new mahoushow shogogun, meaning that it is never going to die it’s gonna make it if you try you’re going to love it. And also Precure is going to outlive you.

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good frame from high quality video heartcatch precure

I would now write about how Izumi Todo lives a good life on retirement money in the french riviera, but sadly Izumi Todo died on the 12th of July 2016 after being brutally murdered by an angry fan of Dragonball Z, upset by Precure having all the good animators of the company. Life really is simply unfair.

I hope you enjoyed this essay article Buttbuddz™ fans please give us money on patreon and subscribe to the youtube for more Buttbuddz™ content.

*While most mahou shogunates are anime, a minority of mahou shogunates are largely non-anime in nature.

Tales From Space Station 13

What’s up Buttbuddz fans, today I have brought a collection of real stories originating from various Space Station 13 servers for your entertainment. Reader beware, you’re in for a scare..

The Fly Swatter

Job: Security Officer

Server: /tg/station

It’d be a lie if I said this round started normally as the first thing I heard over radio was “security a plant is breaking into chemistry”. Upon detaining the rogue plant I found out a flyperson was behind the whole scheme. While I’m beating him with my baton the warden started yelling at me because the flyperson is naked and disgusting, and a scientist comes up and offers to blow the fly up with a bomb. A tempting offer, but I’ve something else in mind: “How about instead, I hand it over to xenobiology so you can mutate it into something else besides a fly?”, with the scientist’s approval I bring him over to xenobiology (luckily for me i was picked as the science guard). The Research Director asked why I was in there, but once I explained I was making the fly a test subject for xenobiology he was happy to take control of the situation. As the RD dragged the fly into xenobiology, the last words I heard from the fly were “What is happening?”.

I’m not sure what the fuck happened to that flyperson as I never heard from him again. The rest of that round wasn’t too noteworthy besides me arresting a couple lizards who broke into the HoP office and helping the HoS kill his impostor. It would have been a happy ending, but alas someone bombed the shuttle just before it took off and I, along with 97% of the crew who were on the shuttle, died.

When the round ended I saw the person I gave the fly to was actually a traitor, so if I had to guess the fly probably ended up getting fed to slimes. Whoops!

The Squad Chef

Job: Squad Leader

Server: Colonial Marines

Things are always fun when I’m the squad leader, yes indeed if Roy Gerbil is your squad leader victory will be guaranteed, even if you lose! Unfortunately for us, during the briefing command gave my squad (charlie squad) FOB duty. FOB Duty is always the worst thing and least amount of fun you can have while playing Colonial Marines so I was praying for something interesting to happen.

While we were heading down on the dropship, I overheard my squad specialist talking about his plans to cook the local wildlife. An excellent idea if I say so myself! Since we were on FOB duty, I gave my squad some new orders to secure the kitchen and organized a small scouting party to go out and look for wildlife. Everything was going well, until my squad medic starts complaining about my idea, claiming we’re supposed to be fortifying the entire nexus and not just the kitchen. Clearly he was blind since I had one engineer securing the kitchen and another setting up FOB around the rest of the nexus.

Luckily the scouting party I sent came back with two dead monkeys, and now it was time to feast. Unfortunately the squad specialist, despite his ambitions, was not a great cook. He was a pretty bad cook in fact, as half the things he tried to make ended up as burnt messes. This was made worse by the fact that I forgot to eat my rations before I was sent down, so I was pretty fucking hungry, as such I ended up placing down a squad supply beacon and begged logistics to send down some food. They must not have got the message because all they ever sent down was ammo and metal, so I was forced to eat the specialist’s half-baked (or over-baked) trash which didn’t do much to satisfy my hunger.

While this is happening, hydroponics is being attacked by xenomorphs and my squad medic is still bitching at me for overseeing the kitchen operations instead of helping to reinforce hydroponics. But command never told me to reinforce hydroponics, as such my duty was still to guard the FOB and produce low-quality junk food. It was a good choice since hydroponics ended up falling shortly after, now we could get some action at the well-fortified FOB!

The xenos tried suicide charging a few times but with my excellent communication and use of close air support we managed to repel the attackers with minimal losses. Now it was time to take the initiative and make a counter push straight to hydroponics. The xenos couldn’t handle my highly unorthodox strategy and were forced to retreat across the river, where we continued our push and eventually won the game. All thanks to Squad Leader Roy Gerbil and his food rationing scheme!

The Corgi

Job: Corgi

Server: NoX Station

On the now inactive NoX station, there was an option to play as a corgi. Corgis were a joke role, and usually if someone were punished they’d be banned from all jobs except for corgi. This was because corgis were completely useless and incapable of doing anything on the station.

For some reason I decided to play as a corgi this round, and upon exiting the arrivals shuttle the first thing I see is an assistant and a security officer fighting each other in the arrivals checkpoint with the door wide open. Seeing my chance to do something as a corgi, I went in and started removing the security officer’s equipment. Since the officer was standing still in the same spot I actually managed to take off his security belt and taser while the assistant was disarming him, with this the assistant grabbed the baton, stunned the officer, then handcuffed him.

The officer swore to report me to the admins but as far as I know he just ended up getting laughed at for losing to a corgi as a security officer.

 

Those are all the stories I have for this article, please subscribe to the Buttbuddz for more great Tales From Space Station 13.

Is Kirby Really Evil in Squeak Squad? The Manga Explains All!

Remember Game Review #1: Kirby: Squeak Squad, one of our first ever articles on the blog? Of course you don’t; The quality of articles didn’t get to “memorable” levels until about two days later. (So memorably, in fact, that we can still feel the waves of the Pretty Cure Content Flood of Summer 2017 to this day; At this point, we might as well give Cure Marine her own pillar/merge it with the Sailor Moon one…)

So what separates that simple, humble review of a Kirby game from our many great articles after it? Well, what if we told you it was an awkward, early article that suffered from being rushed? Sure, the game-play part of the review turned out okay, but the critical research failures within the review were about the game’s LORE.

Yeah, that’s right; Kirby: Squeak Squad‘s lore is a lot deeper than it looks, and -like the original article mentions- is not very noticeable in the game, for you see… Everything’s actually in Squeak Squad‘s manga adaptation!

Yes, it’s real, and some of it’s even been scanned/translated by fans before. (Keyword here being “some.” The sites and their manga sections have been inactive for years, so I wouldn’t expect more to pop up anytime soon…)

First off, the manga goes over time and time again that Kirby is not evil. For example, -rather than being up everyone over cake- here’s Kirby spreading the wealth of Maxim Tomatoes and Invincible Candies with Dreamland’s residents, making every man a king comparable to the likes of Dedede in the process.

Speaking of King Dedede, Kirby also offers the great king parts of the plot’s strawberry shortcake if he helps look for it; Kirby sure is a straight up honest guy!

For a game commonly nicknamed “Kirby’s Fucking Pissed”, the manga is somehow a lot calmer; Even the “treasure chest that contains the cake/villain” part of the plot is more sugary-sweet than what one would’ve seen in the game!

[Pictured: What Kirby keeps assuming what happens to the cake every time anyone takes it.]
Of course, we know what you’re really here for; RATS. Don’t worry, they make plenty of appearances throughout the manga adaptation of the game they star in.

Even Kirby himself liked Squeak Squad’s very own rat clan enough to try and join them at one point in the manga!

He already had the Rats Mix-tape; Joining the Rat Clan was only the next logical step!

There still might not be any Escargoon in the game’s manga, but to say that Kirby: Squeak Squad doesn’t have a lot of lore for a Kirby title is simply a mistake; Squeak Squad has as much of a story as any other title, you just have to know where to look for it!

This article was brought to you by Fivebuddz: Buttbuddz-quality freelancing for only $5 of the Buttbuddz budget! (Or, alternatively, over 500 jelly beans.)

Why Cboyardee is the Most Important Man on the Internet

Cboyardee, also known as Chef Boyardee. A name not often heard today, but back in the day he was known as memelord 1#. In fact, the modern internet has a lot to owe to this man, shrek memes, MS Paint videos and great video games. Let’s take a closer look.

Cboyardees most important work.

First, let’s take a look at Cboyardees most popular, but not most influencal work, Dilbert 2. It’s MS-Paint aesthetics are known across the world for it’s quality and artsyness, and the video remains popular despite Cboyardees original channel being deleted by YouBrute. Despite being a popular video, it hasn’t influenced the world as much as it’s sequel, Dilbert 3.

Is Dilbert 3 more important than Dilbert 2?!?

You see, Dilbert 3 introduced the world to robocop.mp3, a remix of the theme song for Robocop for the commodore 64 or something. This great remix would rather become the theme song for clowns in Space Station 13.

Yeah that’s right, without Cboyardee we wouldn’t have this most excellent tune.

And while you see, the Dilbert videos are popular and well known, Cboyardee has done a lot more for the internet, too much for one article, so I am going to mention two more groundbreaking achievements of his.

Cboyardee invented Shrek memes. Yeah that’s right, long before “Shrek is love, Shrek is life”,  Cboyardee created the classic “Shrek is NOT Drek” video, and also a daily series of Shrek themed jokes and even a let’s play of Shrek on the GBA. So if you enjoy Shrek related memes, remember to thank Cboyardee.

But now my good friends, we will look at Cboyardee‘s greatest achivement. A complete, classic vidcon enjoyed by childs all over the world. I am of course talking about the everylasting classic of  vidcon, it is BARKLEY SHUT UP AND JAM GAIDEN!

Yeah that’s right, Cboyardee was one of the devs and also the composer of this classic vidcon. If that doesn’t make you an important man on the internet, then I don’t know what will. And despite the fact his YouTube was purged long ago, you can still find Cboyardee hidden on the internet, working on Barkley 2 which will come out in the year 20XX, and you’re very exited for it.

But now I have to go, I have some b-ballin’ to do. I am very grateful to live in a world where b-ball isn’t outlawed, so byebye.

Crash Buttrospective – Crash Bandicoot 2

Hello, it’s me Mr. Buttbuddz and I think it’s time for another excitapating episode of our first buttbuddz retrospective. Today we will look at the second game in the Crash Bandidash series, which is Crash’em Bash’em 2: Vengance: Ressurection, also known as Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back in Europe.

Press start to begin

Like with the first game I’ve played Crash 2 at least a couple of times, but for this retrospective I’ll only be replaying the first world to jog the memory strains. A secret tip is that if you do not skip the first cutscene, you get to play a short secret stage before you enter the first world.

You can tell this is a secret stage because Coco is there.

In Dash Dingo you have to save the world by getting batteries for Cocoa’s  pink late 90s laptop, because chargers are outlawed in this postapocalypse. As you start touching you are controller, you will realize what a treat you are in for, because Krash 2 controlls a hell’uva lot better than the first game. The game looks better, has more detail, better level design. The music is a lot more catchy and complex too than the more ambient music of the first game.

very scary

So yeah Crash 2 is slightly more fun than crash 1 which was very fun so this is fun too. See you next time when we will play Neo Turf Masters ’96, the last game in the Crash Bandfantasy XIII: Crash Returns.

He might say that you can run, but you’ll just run straight into that hole!

Crash Buttrospective – Crash Bandicoot 1

Hello, and welcome to this first BUTTBUDDZ (trademark) retrospective. We will look at one of my favorite games (me, as in Nobaddy), Crash Bandicoot. Through this retrospective I’ll write a bit about all the crash games that matter, which is 1-3, CTR and maybe Wrath of Cortex (which is shit) and Twinsanity (which is at least 30 times less shit than WoC, but not as good as the Naughty Dog games)

In this first written piece I will look at the first game. I’ve replayed the first world of Crash Bandicoot to jog my memory, but I’ve played through this game many times as a child, and as a teenager and at least once as an adult.

It’s Crash!

Crash Bandicoot is a 3D platformer released in 1996 in which you play as Crash Bandicoot, who must stop the evil Dr. Neo Cortex because he’s a mean villain.

The game has an intro cutscene which isn’t very important, so we will start with the first level. You start out on a beach and then you go into the jungle where you will find many exciting challenges. One of the most apparent strengths of Crash Bandicoot is the beautiful visuals. One of the best found in a 3D playstation game, the game portrays lush jungles, mystic ruins and disturbing factory locales with ease, and together with is sequels are easily some of the best looking video games of the 90s. The art holds up today, and makes the games so much enjoyable as you’re always excited for what the next level is going to look like. Might I say the game is eye candy?

The gameplay in Crash Bandicoot is alright. You can jump and you can run and do a spin attack and not much more. The level design is very similar to the 2D platformers of the early 90s, but turned around into a 3D perspective. The game is a linear, tunnelvision platformer, almost kinda similar to the boost sonic games, but also half the levels are sidescrolling stages. The gameplay and level design in Crash 1 isn’t as strong as in it’s sequels, even though the game has a much more mysterious feel to it compared to it’s streamlined sequels. One of my favorite stages in the series is the bridge level where you jump across a broken bridge. It’s mysterious, almost haunted and it has great atmosphere. I think actually Crash 1 has the best mood in the series. What adds to this almost as much as the lush graphics and simple but effective soundtrack is the secrets.

It’s as if I’m in a real jungle!

Crash 1s secrets are the most secret in the series, and are kinda arbitrary and poorly designed. You can unlock secrets by collecting colored gems, which unlocks hidden paths, but for many stages you can’t get the gems unless you’ve acquired a color gem which adds to a very confusing experience. To get a gem you have to break all the crates, but the issue is that you can’t die on a stage. This makes it very hard to get gems on the later stages, a bit too hard maybe and unfair, since you can’t collect the gems in the earlier stages because they have crates on hidden paths that only unlock after you get a colored gem from a later stage! But when you do this, you do get some exciting secrets. A great childhood memory of mine is when I finally got a colored gem and went back to a previous stage. Suddenly there was a gem platform which lead me to an exciting, hidden path. Crash 2 and 3 have secrets too, which are better designed to boot but I will never forget the memory of finding that secret in crash 1.

The boulder chase is one of the most iconic parts of the game

Also the game controls much worse than the later games, there’s no analogue control and the spin attack has this weird thing where you kinda slide forwards while you use it which can cause you to die sometimes if you spin near a hole just right.

All in all Crash Bandicoot is a great game which is very fun, and while it’s sequels improve on it, it’s still a great game on it’s own and worth playing.