Why Rise of the Tomb Raider Is a Trash Game for Garbagemen – a BUTTBUDDZ review

Hey buttbuddz fans today we are going to take a quick look at a video game, and boy is it a stinker. Yeah that’s right, we’re talking about Rise of the Tomb Raider.

When you think about great video games, you realize there are many things which can make for a great video game. Depth, challenge, charm, good story, level design, satsifying mechanics, sound design. We live in a world where games such as Age of Empires 2 and Doom are played for decades thanks to their great design and mechanics, and games like Half Life and Final Fantasy 6 are loved for their timeless stories, creativity and all that stuff.

This part of the game was actually kinda fun, with you exploring a dungeon with some easy puzzles, some ACTUAL platforming. Too bad the game goes to shit after it.

However, today we are talking about Rise of the Tomb Raider. This game has a terrible story line which rips of Indiana Jones and 30s adventure movies, but changed the fun adventure and enjoyable characters to some trashy drama. The storyline is bad. The characters are cardboard, and we are presented to ancient tropes without any self awareness or interesting twists. This makes for an objectively boring storyline, and it doens’t help that the game tries to make you symphatize with Laura Croft by torturing her at every step. She is always being mauled by bears, hunted down by psychopaths and falling of cliffs. She probably can’t go to the store to buy bread and milk without stepping in a bear trap and falling off a cliff. In fact, bad things happen to her so much that I’m pretty sure the entire development team gets off  to this, and that’s quite nasty I think.

Of course, a video game is about playing a fun game, and a good story is irrelevant as long as we got enjoyable gameplay mechanics, good level design and fun things to do. I am happy to report that Rise of the Tomb Raider doesn’t have any of this. The game might try to trick you into believing that theres a lot of options and paths to take, but the game is linear with a few side paths here and there which reward you with nonsensical bullshit. There is also uncharted-style climbing, which is like watching a lets play of Super Mario 64. You hold down W or something and spam space and there you go you are watching Laura Croft slowly climbing up a wall. This isn’t fun. The game is also a cover based third person shooter. I don’t think I need to say more here, because by definition cover based third person shooters aren’t fun. Linear games can work, but this sure as hell doesn’t. The boring shooting and the boring climbing and the boring paths to walk down makes it feel like you’re on the worlds boringest rollercoaster. The game likes to think it’s survival based too, but you aren’t surviving and barely getting by when you got a bunch of guns and perfect bow and arrow skills on the linear roller coaster.

The publishers knew the game was crap, so one of the steam store page pictures is just Ms. Crofts face.  Good work.

I don’t want to write more about this game. It’s really bad, and is a good example on what video games shouldn’t be. Video games should be fun times where you explore interesting worlds, meet interesting characters and interact with fun mechanics as the game thinks up new ways to challenge your understanding of the mechanics. Rise of the Tomb Raider is just a crappy rollercoaster designed by a bunch of people who don’t like video games. And also I gotta say, this game is exactly the same as the last Tomb Raider. The story, the gameplay. Nothing has changed. It’s bad. Every time I try to do something fun the game punishes you. Avoid this game at all costs.

TOTAL SCORE: brutecangrey.pngbrutecangrey.pngbrutecan.pngbrutecan.pngbrutecan.png243891359264669696.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pngA pretty bad game which gets 3 coke cans for being boring and terrible. I will spare it the remaining 2 because i guess its competently made. I will also add a single Pepsi can for the good looking environments. This is a very generous score, which I think Square Enix should be happy with.

The Buttcade – Trouble Witches Origin Episode 1: Daughters of Amalgam –

Hello you buttbuddz fans, and welcome to a new buttbuddz review. Yeah that’s right, we are going to look at a SHMUP today, sometimes called a scrolling shooting game, or even STG if you’re either a Japanese person, a weeaboo using Japanese terms to make you seem cool to your fellow STG fans, or you simply prefer your video game genres to sound like a disease.

Hey look a fun video game!

Today we are going to look at a video game named Trouble Witches Origin Episode 1: Daughters of Amalgam, which is a STG developed by Studio SiestA and published on Steam by Rocket-Engine Co.,LTD.

In Trouble Witches to play as a Magical Girl who must shoot things. There are many modes, like a story mode which I haven’t played and a arcade mode which I have played. An important part of the games mechanics is the fact that you can have your pet mascot thing slow down the bullets in a part of the map, this makes it easier to dodge the bullets since this STG is of the bullet curtain variety. You can also fly into a shop to buy up to 3 cards, which are power ups you can use to destroy a lot of enemies. My favorite is the meteor.

Another important thing to note is that to get money, you have to release the SHOOT button, which makes the money fly right into you. This is actually pretty fun and I like this mechanic, even though it’s a very simple addition.

You can buy items at this store.

There are also a lot of playable characters, but I haven’t touched most of them, but I can already tell you that the best character is the blue girl (who lives in the blue world) because you see her pet is a FISH, which means she is the most powerful character since she is supported by fish. Another thing to note is the great graphics. Unlike most STGs, Trouble Witches has a great hand-drawn 2D look which is great marksmanship. The backgrounds are mostly CGI, but they don’t look too bad, in fact they are pretty good in many cases.

The stars is also a fun power up you can buy at the store. Please also note the great fish which follows you.

Yeah, Trouble Witches is a very fun game and you can in fact buy it on Steam for a low price, and it is very worth it since its a fun, challenging game with a lot of content, most of which I haven’t touched yet but I sure will.

I give it a “Good Game” out of 10.

Buttbuddz Video Game Recommendation Station #2 – Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors.

Good afternoon, live from the buttbuddz tower with 7 helicopter pads in beautiful Vienna, Austria it  is the buttbuddz here with a new fresh review for you to read, today we are going to look at a great video game with an excellent storyline named Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors, popularly called 999.

Later releases of this game has different box art.

Yeah, thats right. In 999 you play as a dude named Junpei who has to escape a sinking boat with 9 other people. They have 9 hours, and there are 9 doors that can help them seek a way out. In order to escape, this ensemble cast has to do various escape the room puzzles, which are linked by long visual novel portions. This might sound like a shitty mix of WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS visual novel parts and shitty flash game puzzles, but you are actually wrong.

Not many words to read in this example, but that really is for the better.

999 does in fact have the most thrilling storyline in a video game ever. Yeah that’s right, this game eats your favorite video game story for breakfast. A detailed storyline with excellent characters, exciting twists, philosophy and a mystery which will keep you hooked for hours are all here, and there are multiple endings which allow you to see different sides of the story and characters, and a true ending which wraps up the game perfectly. But wait kids, there is more to this.

Puzzles! This is the first puzzle room.

Not only is there an excellent story, but there are also said escape-the-room puzzles. The puzzles are great not only because they are fun and require a decent amount of thinking, but the puzzles themselves are a part of the world and story. That’s right, the puzzle rooms reveal lore and have ties to the main storyline. These puzzles are not a thoughtless addon to a visual novel, they are a major part of the story themselves and that’s very excellent. The story never feels like it’s going to halt when you get to a puzzle room, the story keeps going and thats very good since the story in this game is excellent.

The writer and director of this game also worked on PEPSIMAN, which means this game is blessed by pepsi, which is why it’s so excellent. It proves that Pepsi only works with the most talented game creators in the world.

All in all, Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors is an excellent game and I really recommend you to check it out since I love it, and I think it’s a 10/10.

The game also has two sequels which might not be as solid and excellent as this game, but are worth checking out if you like 999. They are 7-8/10 games.

Buttbuddz Video Game Recommendation Station #1 – Earth Defense Force 4.1 The Shadow of New Despair

Hello boys and girls I’m going to tell you lads about a real good game you can all play on steam or Playstation4, yeah that’s right it’s Earth Defense Force 4.1 The Shadow of New Despair.

Man having a fun using his mech to shoot a big bad robot.

Yeah, that’s right. The giant insects have invaded earth together with a bunch of robots of varying size. You play as EDF Soldier with gun. You must destroy these alien invaders.

In Earth Defense Force you get to play as 4 (four) different classes, all with their own exciting playstyle. There’s the Ranger who uses conventional weapons such as rocket launchers and can dodge roll for a very vanilla funtime, there is the Wing Diver who can fly real high with her jetpack on and shoots with disco inferno lasers and cool stuff like that, there’s the Air Raider who can shoot at giant insects with death rays from outer space (In other games, death rays from outer space would be a setpiece or a cutscene, but in EDF you can have giant death rays whenever you want) and he can also spawn vehicles such as giant robots, helicopters, motorcycles and giant tanks, which is fun for the whole family. And of course, there’s the Fencer who is the tank who can dual wield miniguns or have a cool shield which lets you go fast and also defends. There is fun for everyone in EDF thanks to these classes, and not only that there are 800 weapons to use too, so theres lots of fun playstyles you can try even within the different classes!

Your average EDF mission…

Wow, and there’s so many enemies varying from ants to robots to kaiju which create for a fun and varied experience. Roam a huge, realistic city with destroyable buildings, fight giant spaceships and play online with pals, or raise the difficulty to insane levels. There are over a 100 different missions, and like 40 more with DLC, giving you many hours of fun destruction. There are so many giant insects, giant robots, dragons, bees and aliens to destroy in so many ways, that the fun can not be halted. EDF is amazing and it is in fact the greatest game of all time. Only a MASSIVE, NASTY, CARD COUNTING BRUTUS BULLY DRAFT DODGER PIECE OF CRAB SHE IT HEAD FRICK would not enjoy Earth Defense Force. I therfore declare EDF as GOTY 2015, GOTY 2016 and I give it 10/10 and make it a Buttbuddz Game of Choice.

Don’t get caught in the spiders web!

Crash Buttrospective – Crash Bandicoot 2

Hello, it’s me Mr. Buttbuddz and I think it’s time for another excitapating episode of our first buttbuddz retrospective. Today we will look at the second game in the Crash Bandidash series, which is Crash’em Bash’em 2: Vengance: Ressurection, also known as Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back in Europe.

Press start to begin

Like with the first game I’ve played Crash 2 at least a couple of times, but for this retrospective I’ll only be replaying the first world to jog the memory strains. A secret tip is that if you do not skip the first cutscene, you get to play a short secret stage before you enter the first world.

You can tell this is a secret stage because Coco is there.

In Dash Dingo you have to save the world by getting batteries for Cocoa’s  pink late 90s laptop, because chargers are outlawed in this postapocalypse. As you start touching you are controller, you will realize what a treat you are in for, because Krash 2 controlls a hell’uva lot better than the first game. The game looks better, has more detail, better level design. The music is a lot more catchy and complex too than the more ambient music of the first game.

very scary

So yeah Crash 2 is slightly more fun than crash 1 which was very fun so this is fun too. See you next time when we will play Neo Turf Masters ’96, the last game in the Crash Bandfantasy XIII: Crash Returns.

He might say that you can run, but you’ll just run straight into that hole!

Bubsy Bobcat Returns After Being Missing For Half A Decade

After years of being declared missing by the gaming industry at large, Accolade’s (in)famous feline mascot, Bubsy the Bobcat, has finally returned in a new game titled Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back. Bubsy’s sudden comeback has shocked millions; Nobody was prepared for his reappearance in the public eye, especially not after the overwhelmingly positive reception of 1996’s Bubsy 3D: Bubsy visits the James Turrell Retrospective.

“…Stunning…Original…Bubsy 3D climbs back to the top…Check it out!” – EGM

While some speculated that Bubsy was going to appear in Sonic Forces due to the appearance of a matching silhouette (that ended up actually being a Sonic OC that was somehow less generic-looking than he is), the last true sighting of the bobcat was in a late 2012 photograph of him and Ren and Stimpy‘s Ren Hoek eating bowls of soup together. However, the photograph -not unlike Bubsy himself- was missing from the Buttbuddz Historical Archives, so in it’s place, here’s an artist’s recreation instead:

a quality recreation

Professional Bubsy players are rejoicing in the streets due to the comeback of their beloved gaming franchise and gaming-mascot bobcat, but will Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back become a classic like the other installments in it’s franchise? We’ll have to wait and see when Fall 2017 gets here.

[EDIT] As it turns out, the original was in the Buttbuddz archive all along; Buttbuddz history is saved!

“you eediot the original was in the buttbuddz archives all along.”

United States president Donald Trump exposed SABOTAGING the INDIE GAME SCENE!?!??!?!

Donald trump CAUGHT WITH HIS HAND IN THE COOKIE JAR!?!??!

Indie game developers all over San Fransissco have been reporting that President Donald “Don” Trump has infiltrated their local communities and have personally urinated all over their computers.

“He’s very rude” said Fill Fish, who was finishing up his new game “Red arabic hatwear 2 – funny video game enjoyed by liberal college students and hipsters”, but the game is now permantly canceled because Donald Trump ate the flash drive which he kept his code on.

Multiple games such as Gone with the Home 2 and Jerry Seinfeld Presents: Bioshock Infinite 2 has been canceled after this unfortunate event. There are calls for Donald Trump  to quit his presidency from all over the indie game scene after this happen. His majesty the president has yet to answer to these demands

Local reports from an anonymous source also tells us Donald Trump has been caught counting cards in Vegas, which adds to the large amount of controversies the President has been involved in the last three minutes.

Bookmark this site and subscribe to the buttbuddz for further reports, please and also support or patreon and kickstarter for quality gaming news.

Crash Buttrospective – Crash Bandicoot 1

Hello, and welcome to this first BUTTBUDDZ (trademark) retrospective. We will look at one of my favorite games (me, as in Nobaddy), Crash Bandicoot. Through this retrospective I’ll write a bit about all the crash games that matter, which is 1-3, CTR and maybe Wrath of Cortex (which is shit) and Twinsanity (which is at least 30 times less shit than WoC, but not as good as the Naughty Dog games)

In this first written piece I will look at the first game. I’ve replayed the first world of Crash Bandicoot to jog my memory, but I’ve played through this game many times as a child, and as a teenager and at least once as an adult.

It’s Crash!

Crash Bandicoot is a 3D platformer released in 1996 in which you play as Crash Bandicoot, who must stop the evil Dr. Neo Cortex because he’s a mean villain.

The game has an intro cutscene which isn’t very important, so we will start with the first level. You start out on a beach and then you go into the jungle where you will find many exciting challenges. One of the most apparent strengths of Crash Bandicoot is the beautiful visuals. One of the best found in a 3D playstation game, the game portrays lush jungles, mystic ruins and disturbing factory locales with ease, and together with is sequels are easily some of the best looking video games of the 90s. The art holds up today, and makes the games so much enjoyable as you’re always excited for what the next level is going to look like. Might I say the game is eye candy?

The gameplay in Crash Bandicoot is alright. You can jump and you can run and do a spin attack and not much more. The level design is very similar to the 2D platformers of the early 90s, but turned around into a 3D perspective. The game is a linear, tunnelvision platformer, almost kinda similar to the boost sonic games, but also half the levels are sidescrolling stages. The gameplay and level design in Crash 1 isn’t as strong as in it’s sequels, even though the game has a much more mysterious feel to it compared to it’s streamlined sequels. One of my favorite stages in the series is the bridge level where you jump across a broken bridge. It’s mysterious, almost haunted and it has great atmosphere. I think actually Crash 1 has the best mood in the series. What adds to this almost as much as the lush graphics and simple but effective soundtrack is the secrets.

It’s as if I’m in a real jungle!

Crash 1s secrets are the most secret in the series, and are kinda arbitrary and poorly designed. You can unlock secrets by collecting colored gems, which unlocks hidden paths, but for many stages you can’t get the gems unless you’ve acquired a color gem which adds to a very confusing experience. To get a gem you have to break all the crates, but the issue is that you can’t die on a stage. This makes it very hard to get gems on the later stages, a bit too hard maybe and unfair, since you can’t collect the gems in the earlier stages because they have crates on hidden paths that only unlock after you get a colored gem from a later stage! But when you do this, you do get some exciting secrets. A great childhood memory of mine is when I finally got a colored gem and went back to a previous stage. Suddenly there was a gem platform which lead me to an exciting, hidden path. Crash 2 and 3 have secrets too, which are better designed to boot but I will never forget the memory of finding that secret in crash 1.

The boulder chase is one of the most iconic parts of the game

Also the game controls much worse than the later games, there’s no analogue control and the spin attack has this weird thing where you kinda slide forwards while you use it which can cause you to die sometimes if you spin near a hole just right.

All in all Crash Bandicoot is a great game which is very fun, and while it’s sequels improve on it, it’s still a great game on it’s own and worth playing.

Game Review #1: Kirby Squeak Squad

Welcome to the BLOGBUDDZ’s first ever game review: Today we’ll be reviewing a rather divisive game today, known for causing it’s gaming franchise’s fans to question the morality of it’s own protagonist. A game that’s more well-known as “Kirby’s Fucking Pissed” among the internet than by it’s actual title, Kirby: Squeak Squad. 

KSQSQ_logo

Like all Kirby games, it’s darkness and extensive lore is not visible in the slightest when you start it; The first thing you see in game with Kirby enjoying a piece of nice, delicious, strawberry cake. KSqSq_Strawberry_Shortcake_Screenshot

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” you might ask. “It’s just a pink gumball eating cake: Just how horrifying can it be?” Well, that’s when you notice that you’re wrong…

tumblr_inline_mzhi7oJpy51rjw2mu.png

Kirby beats up an entire game’s worth of enemies and bosses, over a slice of cake. This didn’t bode well with Kirby’s fans, as they were more used to the cutesy, innocent Kirby the other 14 years worth of games before Squeak Squad had. (Hal Labs eventually reverted back to the aforementioned “good Kirby” in Kirby games post-Squeak Squad as well, but the damage had already been done: The “Kirby is Evil” theories and disturbingly-realistic internet fan-art still persisted, and Kirby’s reputation was never the same since…)

…That’s basically the entire plot of the game. Well, that, and you fight this installment’s titular Squeak Squad.Squeak_Squad2The Squeak Squad are rats. They’re rats. They’re the rats. They prey at night, they stalk at night, they’re the rats. Their leader Daroach is even a giant rat that makes all of the rules. The trouble they got themselves into was stealing Kirby’s cake. (…Which is conveniently located in the same treasure chest as the game’s true antagonist.)

Keep in mind that Kirby Squeak Squad was made only eight years before the release of Jerma985’s legendary Rat Movie: Mystery of the Mayan Treasure. (and it’s 2015 sequel, Rat Movie 2.) Does this mean the Squeak Squad are the predecessors to the rats we see in the RAT MOVIE MOVIES!?

gfs_75607_2_1

Gameplay-wise, it’s like pretty much every other Kirby platformer: You can fly, you suck up foes and gain their abilities, you even fight King Dedede and Meta Knight like in a lot of other Kirby games, etc. However, you can see inside Kirby’s stomach from the Nintendo DS’s bottom screen, so there’s that, I guess…

Overall, there isn’t a lot to say about this game. The lore is surprisingly small for a Kirby game, which isn’t surprising considering the complete lack of Escargoon and the extensive lore surrounding him.

While Kirby: Squeak Squad is a still nice game, (After all, Kirby truly has no bad video games!) it’s not exactly one of the highest priority ones you need to play in the franchise: It’s pretty simple lore-wise, and about as remarkable as any other platformer in the series is gameplay-wise….

Well, unless you’re a die-hard Kirby fan, a Rat Movie fanatic, a “Kirby is Evil” theorist, or already finished with Super Star/Air Ride/Planet Robobot: Then this game should be a priority to play.

OUR SCORE: 5.2 [Needs more Escargoon.]

Last-Minute Fun Fact: When you play Kirby Squeak Squad on your birthday, you are greeted with a “Happy Birthday” screen. (It even greets you with a nice little song!)

rats.png

…I know this because it’s my birthday (or at least in EASTERN STANDARD TIME, where and when this article was written), so I’m sharing the surprise this game gave me with you. Enjoy?