Why Rise of the Tomb Raider Is a Trash Game for Garbagemen – a BUTTBUDDZ review

Hey buttbuddz fans today we are going to take a quick look at a video game, and boy is it a stinker. Yeah that’s right, we’re talking about Rise of the Tomb Raider.

When you think about great video games, you realize there are many things which can make for a great video game. Depth, challenge, charm, good story, level design, satsifying mechanics, sound design. We live in a world where games such as Age of Empires 2 and Doom are played for decades thanks to their great design and mechanics, and games like Half Life and Final Fantasy 6 are loved for their timeless stories, creativity and all that stuff.

This part of the game was actually kinda fun, with you exploring a dungeon with some easy puzzles, some ACTUAL platforming. Too bad the game goes to shit after it.

However, today we are talking about Rise of the Tomb Raider. This game has a terrible story line which rips of Indiana Jones and 30s adventure movies, but changed the fun adventure and enjoyable characters to some trashy drama. The storyline is bad. The characters are cardboard, and we are presented to ancient tropes without any self awareness or interesting twists. This makes for an objectively boring storyline, and it doens’t help that the game tries to make you symphatize with Laura Croft by torturing her at every step. She is always being mauled by bears, hunted down by psychopaths and falling of cliffs. She probably can’t go to the store to buy bread and milk without stepping in a bear trap and falling off a cliff. In fact, bad things happen to her so much that I’m pretty sure the entire development team gets off  to this, and that’s quite nasty I think.

Of course, a video game is about playing a fun game, and a good story is irrelevant as long as we got enjoyable gameplay mechanics, good level design and fun things to do. I am happy to report that Rise of the Tomb Raider doesn’t have any of this. The game might try to trick you into believing that theres a lot of options and paths to take, but the game is linear with a few side paths here and there which reward you with nonsensical bullshit. There is also uncharted-style climbing, which is like watching a lets play of Super Mario 64. You hold down W or something and spam space and there you go you are watching Laura Croft slowly climbing up a wall. This isn’t fun. The game is also a cover based third person shooter. I don’t think I need to say more here, because by definition cover based third person shooters aren’t fun. Linear games can work, but this sure as hell doesn’t. The boring shooting and the boring climbing and the boring paths to walk down makes it feel like you’re on the worlds boringest rollercoaster. The game likes to think it’s survival based too, but you aren’t surviving and barely getting by when you got a bunch of guns and perfect bow and arrow skills on the linear roller coaster.

The publishers knew the game was crap, so one of the steam store page pictures is just Ms. Crofts face.  Good work.

I don’t want to write more about this game. It’s really bad, and is a good example on what video games shouldn’t be. Video games should be fun times where you explore interesting worlds, meet interesting characters and interact with fun mechanics as the game thinks up new ways to challenge your understanding of the mechanics. Rise of the Tomb Raider is just a crappy rollercoaster designed by a bunch of people who don’t like video games. And also I gotta say, this game is exactly the same as the last Tomb Raider. The story, the gameplay. Nothing has changed. It’s bad. Every time I try to do something fun the game punishes you. Avoid this game at all costs.

TOTAL SCORE: brutecangrey.pngbrutecangrey.pngbrutecan.pngbrutecan.pngbrutecan.png243891359264669696.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pnggreypepsi.pngA pretty bad game which gets 3 coke cans for being boring and terrible. I will spare it the remaining 2 because i guess its competently made. I will also add a single Pepsi can for the good looking environments. This is a very generous score, which I think Square Enix should be happy with.

Why Cboyardee is the Most Important Man on the Internet

Cboyardee, also known as Chef Boyardee. A name not often heard today, but back in the day he was known as memelord 1#. In fact, the modern internet has a lot to owe to this man, shrek memes, MS Paint videos and great video games. Let’s take a closer look.

Cboyardees most important work.

First, let’s take a look at Cboyardees most popular, but not most influencal work, Dilbert 2. It’s MS-Paint aesthetics are known across the world for it’s quality and artsyness, and the video remains popular despite Cboyardees original channel being deleted by YouBrute. Despite being a popular video, it hasn’t influenced the world as much as it’s sequel, Dilbert 3.

Is Dilbert 3 more important than Dilbert 2?!?

You see, Dilbert 3 introduced the world to robocop.mp3, a remix of the theme song for Robocop for the commodore 64 or something. This great remix would rather become the theme song for clowns in Space Station 13.

Yeah that’s right, without Cboyardee we wouldn’t have this most excellent tune.

And while you see, the Dilbert videos are popular and well known, Cboyardee has done a lot more for the internet, too much for one article, so I am going to mention two more groundbreaking achievements of his.

Cboyardee invented Shrek memes. Yeah that’s right, long before “Shrek is love, Shrek is life”,  Cboyardee created the classic “Shrek is NOT Drek” video, and also a daily series of Shrek themed jokes and even a let’s play of Shrek on the GBA. So if you enjoy Shrek related memes, remember to thank Cboyardee.

But now my good friends, we will look at Cboyardee‘s greatest achivement. A complete, classic vidcon enjoyed by childs all over the world. I am of course talking about the everylasting classic of  vidcon, it is BARKLEY SHUT UP AND JAM GAIDEN!

Yeah that’s right, Cboyardee was one of the devs and also the composer of this classic vidcon. If that doesn’t make you an important man on the internet, then I don’t know what will. And despite the fact his YouTube was purged long ago, you can still find Cboyardee hidden on the internet, working on Barkley 2 which will come out in the year 20XX, and you’re very exited for it.

But now I have to go, I have some b-ballin’ to do. I am very grateful to live in a world where b-ball isn’t outlawed, so byebye.

The Buttcade – Trouble Witches Origin Episode 1: Daughters of Amalgam –

Hello you buttbuddz fans, and welcome to a new buttbuddz review. Yeah that’s right, we are going to look at a SHMUP today, sometimes called a scrolling shooting game, or even STG if you’re either a Japanese person, a weeaboo using Japanese terms to make you seem cool to your fellow STG fans, or you simply prefer your video game genres to sound like a disease.

Hey look a fun video game!

Today we are going to look at a video game named Trouble Witches Origin Episode 1: Daughters of Amalgam, which is a STG developed by Studio SiestA and published on Steam by Rocket-Engine Co.,LTD.

In Trouble Witches to play as a Magical Girl who must shoot things. There are many modes, like a story mode which I haven’t played and a arcade mode which I have played. An important part of the games mechanics is the fact that you can have your pet mascot thing slow down the bullets in a part of the map, this makes it easier to dodge the bullets since this STG is of the bullet curtain variety. You can also fly into a shop to buy up to 3 cards, which are power ups you can use to destroy a lot of enemies. My favorite is the meteor.

Another important thing to note is that to get money, you have to release the SHOOT button, which makes the money fly right into you. This is actually pretty fun and I like this mechanic, even though it’s a very simple addition.

You can buy items at this store.

There are also a lot of playable characters, but I haven’t touched most of them, but I can already tell you that the best character is the blue girl (who lives in the blue world) because you see her pet is a FISH, which means she is the most powerful character since she is supported by fish. Another thing to note is the great graphics. Unlike most STGs, Trouble Witches has a great hand-drawn 2D look which is great marksmanship. The backgrounds are mostly CGI, but they don’t look too bad, in fact they are pretty good in many cases.

The stars is also a fun power up you can buy at the store. Please also note the great fish which follows you.

Yeah, Trouble Witches is a very fun game and you can in fact buy it on Steam for a low price, and it is very worth it since its a fun, challenging game with a lot of content, most of which I haven’t touched yet but I sure will.

I give it a “Good Game” out of 10.

Happy Birthday to Stefan Karl Stefansson

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL BUTTBUDDZ BIRTHDAY CONGRATULATION TO STEFAN KARL STEFANSSON, ALSO KNOWN AS ROBBIE ROTTEN. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.’

Don’t forget fellow buttbuddz subscribers, that you can help out Stefan and his family by donating to his crowdfunding campaign https://www.gofundme.com/2tm9tqk

If you do this you will be remembered as a straight up alright guy and you will be blessed by fish and pepsi.

We will continue to wish Stefan the best of luck in his battle against cancer, despite the overwhelming odds he is facing.

Buttbuddz Video Game Recommendation Station #2 – Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors.

Good afternoon, live from the buttbuddz tower with 7 helicopter pads in beautiful Vienna, Austria it  is the buttbuddz here with a new fresh review for you to read, today we are going to look at a great video game with an excellent storyline named Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors, popularly called 999.

Later releases of this game has different box art.

Yeah, thats right. In 999 you play as a dude named Junpei who has to escape a sinking boat with 9 other people. They have 9 hours, and there are 9 doors that can help them seek a way out. In order to escape, this ensemble cast has to do various escape the room puzzles, which are linked by long visual novel portions. This might sound like a shitty mix of WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDS visual novel parts and shitty flash game puzzles, but you are actually wrong.

Not many words to read in this example, but that really is for the better.

999 does in fact have the most thrilling storyline in a video game ever. Yeah that’s right, this game eats your favorite video game story for breakfast. A detailed storyline with excellent characters, exciting twists, philosophy and a mystery which will keep you hooked for hours are all here, and there are multiple endings which allow you to see different sides of the story and characters, and a true ending which wraps up the game perfectly. But wait kids, there is more to this.

Puzzles! This is the first puzzle room.

Not only is there an excellent story, but there are also said escape-the-room puzzles. The puzzles are great not only because they are fun and require a decent amount of thinking, but the puzzles themselves are a part of the world and story. That’s right, the puzzle rooms reveal lore and have ties to the main storyline. These puzzles are not a thoughtless addon to a visual novel, they are a major part of the story themselves and that’s very excellent. The story never feels like it’s going to halt when you get to a puzzle room, the story keeps going and thats very good since the story in this game is excellent.

The writer and director of this game also worked on PEPSIMAN, which means this game is blessed by pepsi, which is why it’s so excellent. It proves that Pepsi only works with the most talented game creators in the world.

All in all, Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors is an excellent game and I really recommend you to check it out since I love it, and I think it’s a 10/10.

The game also has two sequels which might not be as solid and excellent as this game, but are worth checking out if you like 999. They are 7-8/10 games.

Buttbuddz Video Game Recommendation Station #1 – Earth Defense Force 4.1 The Shadow of New Despair

Hello boys and girls I’m going to tell you lads about a real good game you can all play on steam or Playstation4, yeah that’s right it’s Earth Defense Force 4.1 The Shadow of New Despair.

Man having a fun using his mech to shoot a big bad robot.

Yeah, that’s right. The giant insects have invaded earth together with a bunch of robots of varying size. You play as EDF Soldier with gun. You must destroy these alien invaders.

In Earth Defense Force you get to play as 4 (four) different classes, all with their own exciting playstyle. There’s the Ranger who uses conventional weapons such as rocket launchers and can dodge roll for a very vanilla funtime, there is the Wing Diver who can fly real high with her jetpack on and shoots with disco inferno lasers and cool stuff like that, there’s the Air Raider who can shoot at giant insects with death rays from outer space (In other games, death rays from outer space would be a setpiece or a cutscene, but in EDF you can have giant death rays whenever you want) and he can also spawn vehicles such as giant robots, helicopters, motorcycles and giant tanks, which is fun for the whole family. And of course, there’s the Fencer who is the tank who can dual wield miniguns or have a cool shield which lets you go fast and also defends. There is fun for everyone in EDF thanks to these classes, and not only that there are 800 weapons to use too, so theres lots of fun playstyles you can try even within the different classes!

Your average EDF mission…

Wow, and there’s so many enemies varying from ants to robots to kaiju which create for a fun and varied experience. Roam a huge, realistic city with destroyable buildings, fight giant spaceships and play online with pals, or raise the difficulty to insane levels. There are over a 100 different missions, and like 40 more with DLC, giving you many hours of fun destruction. There are so many giant insects, giant robots, dragons, bees and aliens to destroy in so many ways, that the fun can not be halted. EDF is amazing and it is in fact the greatest game of all time. Only a MASSIVE, NASTY, CARD COUNTING BRUTUS BULLY DRAFT DODGER PIECE OF CRAB SHE IT HEAD FRICK would not enjoy Earth Defense Force. I therfore declare EDF as GOTY 2015, GOTY 2016 and I give it 10/10 and make it a Buttbuddz Game of Choice.

Don’t get caught in the spiders web!

Crash Buttrospective – Crash Bandicoot 2

Hello, it’s me Mr. Buttbuddz and I think it’s time for another excitapating episode of our first buttbuddz retrospective. Today we will look at the second game in the Crash Bandidash series, which is Crash’em Bash’em 2: Vengance: Ressurection, also known as Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back in Europe.

Press start to begin

Like with the first game I’ve played Crash 2 at least a couple of times, but for this retrospective I’ll only be replaying the first world to jog the memory strains. A secret tip is that if you do not skip the first cutscene, you get to play a short secret stage before you enter the first world.

You can tell this is a secret stage because Coco is there.

In Dash Dingo you have to save the world by getting batteries for Cocoa’s  pink late 90s laptop, because chargers are outlawed in this postapocalypse. As you start touching you are controller, you will realize what a treat you are in for, because Krash 2 controlls a hell’uva lot better than the first game. The game looks better, has more detail, better level design. The music is a lot more catchy and complex too than the more ambient music of the first game.

very scary

So yeah Crash 2 is slightly more fun than crash 1 which was very fun so this is fun too. See you next time when we will play Neo Turf Masters ’96, the last game in the Crash Bandfantasy XIII: Crash Returns.

He might say that you can run, but you’ll just run straight into that hole!

Theresa Mays EXPOSED as ROBBIE ROTTEN IN DISGUISE!?!?!?

Villain number one speaking to the masses.

After the leader of the Tories and Prime Minister Theresa May decided to start a new government after kinda maybe sorta lost the UK election, she has called forth a lot of unpleasant political ideas, such as expanding the power of the government to spy on everyone on the internet and ban encryption so they can finally stop mean thought-criminals and arrest those mean bullies who say rude things about Theresa Mays on the internet, but this and also the fact Theresa Mays is banning apples, sports and activity made the British newspaper “de ma’nin’ nyoose” suspicious about the real identity of Theresa Mays, if that’s her real name.

Theresa Mays with one of her many funny faces.

Turns out Theresa Mays was Robbie Rotten all along, the notorious villain of LazyTown. He was trying to make the UK lazy with his dastardly scheme, but thanks to those meddling kids at “de ma’nin’ nyoose”, His plan has been exposed.

After this exposure, it seems like the political climate in the UK is in total chaos, especially since Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was caught in the back seat of Dick Dastardly’s car.

Who will rule the UK now!??!?!

Sources: http://newsthump.com/2015/08/21/jeremy-corbyn-denies-links-to-dick-dastardly/ and de ma’nin’ nyoose