What’s up Buttbuddz fans, today I have brought a collection of real stories originating from various Space Station 13 servers for your entertainment. Reader beware, you’re in for a scare..

The Fly Swatter

Job: Security Officer

Server: /tg/station

It’d be a lie if I said this round started normally as the first thing I heard over radio was “security a plant is breaking into chemistry”. Upon detaining the rogue plant I found out a flyperson was behind the whole scheme. While I’m beating him with my baton the warden started yelling at me because the flyperson is naked and disgusting, and a scientist comes up and offers to blow the fly up with a bomb. A tempting offer, but I’ve something else in mind: “How about instead, I hand it over to xenobiology so you can mutate it into something else besides a fly?”, with the scientist’s approval I bring him over to xenobiology (luckily for me i was picked as the science guard). The Research Director asked why I was in there, but once I explained I was making the fly a test subject for xenobiology he was happy to take control of the situation. As the RD dragged the fly into xenobiology, the last words I heard from the fly were “What is happening?”.

I’m not sure what the fuck happened to that flyperson as I never heard from him again. The rest of that round wasn’t too noteworthy besides me arresting a couple lizards who broke into the HoP office and helping the HoS kill his impostor. It would have been a happy ending, but alas someone bombed the shuttle just before it took off and I, along with 97% of the crew who were on the shuttle, died.

When the round ended I saw the person I gave the fly to was actually a traitor, so if I had to guess the fly probably ended up getting fed to slimes. Whoops!

The Squad Chef

Job: Squad Leader

Server: Colonial Marines

Things are always fun when I’m the squad leader, yes indeed if Roy Gerbil is your squad leader victory will be guaranteed, even if you lose! Unfortunately for us, during the briefing command gave my squad (charlie squad) FOB duty. FOB Duty is always the worst thing and least amount of fun you can have while playing Colonial Marines so I was praying for something interesting to happen.

While we were heading down on the dropship, I overheard my squad specialist talking about his plans to cook the local wildlife. An excellent idea if I say so myself! Since we were on FOB duty, I gave my squad some new orders to secure the kitchen and organized a small scouting party to go out and look for wildlife. Everything was going well, until my squad medic starts complaining about my idea, claiming we’re supposed to be fortifying the entire nexus and not just the kitchen. Clearly he was blind since I had one engineer securing the kitchen and another setting up FOB around the rest of the nexus.

Luckily the scouting party I sent came back with two dead monkeys, and now it was time to feast. Unfortunately the squad specialist, despite his ambitions, was not a great cook. He was a pretty bad cook in fact, as half the things he tried to make ended up as burnt messes. This was made worse by the fact that I forgot to eat my rations before I was sent down, so I was pretty fucking hungry, as such I ended up placing down a squad supply beacon and begged logistics to send down some food. They must not have got the message because all they ever sent down was ammo and metal, so I was forced to eat the specialist’s half-baked (or over-baked) trash which didn’t do much to satisfy my hunger.

While this is happening, hydroponics is being attacked by xenomorphs and my squad medic is still bitching at me for overseeing the kitchen operations instead of helping to reinforce hydroponics. But command never told me to reinforce hydroponics, as such my duty was still to guard the FOB and produce low-quality junk food. It was a good choice since hydroponics ended up falling shortly after, now we could get some action at the well-fortified FOB!

The xenos tried suicide charging a few times but with my excellent communication and use of close air support we managed to repel the attackers with minimal losses. Now it was time to take the initiative and make a counter push straight to hydroponics. The xenos couldn’t handle my highly unorthodox strategy and were forced to retreat across the river, where we continued our push and eventually won the game. All thanks to Squad Leader Roy Gerbil and his food rationing scheme!

The Corgi

Job: Corgi

Server: NoX Station

On the now inactive NoX station, there was an option to play as a corgi. Corgis were a joke role, and usually if someone were punished they’d be banned from all jobs except for corgi. This was because corgis were completely useless and incapable of doing anything on the station.

For some reason I decided to play as a corgi this round, and upon exiting the arrivals shuttle the first thing I see is an assistant and a security officer fighting each other in the arrivals checkpoint with the door wide open. Seeing my chance to do something as a corgi, I went in and started removing the security officer’s equipment. Since the officer was standing still in the same spot I actually managed to take off his security belt and taser while the assistant was disarming him, with this the assistant grabbed the baton, stunned the officer, then handcuffed him.

The officer swore to report me to the admins but as far as I know he just ended up getting laughed at for losing to a corgi as a security officer.

 

Those are all the stories I have for this article, please subscribe to the Buttbuddz for more great Tales From Space Station 13.