Welcome back THE BUTTBUDDZ fans, here I bring you a tale. A tale of jesters and fools living on a metal death trap in space, filled with mall cops and clowns, plasma fires and endless rounds, and some other stuff probably. All of the following are true stories from /tg/station (on the basil server specifically), this time I’ll provide useful links for a full picture. As you may have figured out by the title, pretty much every story here ends in tears, rage, and regret. But then again, isn’t that just Space Station 13?

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The Disguise

Job: Security Officer/Cargo Technician

Round Type: Traitor

Saying my job was “Cargo Technician” would only be half true, in reality I was actually an undercover security officer this entire round. I made sure every item I had made me unrecognizable as security, save for a taser that I kept in my belt, but that wasn’t noticeable on my sprite and could just mean I’m a well armed member of Cargonia. I still had a mindshield implant as a hint to fellow officers that I’m undercover but that still leaves some to the imagination.

I used my position as a “cargo technician” to order guns and other security equipment to bring back to the brig, and since we had an abundance of points nobody minded.

I heard over radio there was someone attempting to break into the armory from space, so I grabbed a space suit from EVA and made my way around the station. There I found him in a syndicate space suit with an energy sword  around one of the science airlocks, however I don’t think he noticed I was security since he didn’t attempt to murder me or run away. Using his sense of security to my imagine, I grabbed my stun baton and hovered towards him. He managed to get one hit on me before I stunned him, at which point it was over; I grabbed his energy sword and sliced him to death with it. I brought his body back to security and donated the e-sword to the HoS. A fine job, if I do say so myself!

Later in the round, I was bringing a crate to the brig when a second traitor broke in with a double energy sword and murdered the lawyer right in front of me! Since double energy swords block both energy projectiles and most melee weapons, I realized what I needed to do to defeat him. When he ran up to me I took out my flash and pointed that shit right in his eyes, causing him to become stunned which gave me the perfect opportunity to once again take a traitor’s energy sword and murder them with it. This time I decided to keep the energy sword as a nice little prize, after all I had just defeated two traitors in glorious battle, it’s only fair I get something out of it.

Near the end of the round, just a minute before the emergency shuttle docked I was in cargo when suddenly I get shot by a taser and detained by an officer who doesn’t realize I’m undercover. Now if I made any mistake in the round it was definitely here, you see instead of flat out telling him I was in fact a security officer I was hoping either he would figure it out himself or someone would remind him, however I did not, so he ended up stealing my hard earned loot right from my satchel.

As a bit of a consolation, the HoS did promise to give me a “robust security” medal for defeating two traitors, however the emergency shuttle docked and I completely lost track of the HoS. There was one problem though; earlier in the round, the captain ordered the “Disco Inferno” shuttle, which as the name implies, has a disco in it. Also as the name implies, it’s made of plasma floors and plasma walls which burst into flames extremely easily, all it takes is one asshat with a welder and suddenly everything is on fire. That is exactly what happened, some joker ended up setting the shuttle on fire which killed almost everyone in the shuttle, myself included.

In the end I never got my double e-sword back or my medal, so I suppose if there’s a moral to this story it would be never take things to extremes, and that includes LARPing as a cargo tech.

 

The Burger

Job: Captain

Round Type: Wizard/Traitor

Sometimes in Space Station 13 the best moments are not the most glorious victories, but the most laughable failures. This story is about one of the latter.

I started as the captain, and did standard captain things like changing the station’s name and being little more than an assistant with all access. There was actually a wizard that round but the wizard was unremarkable and terrible as he caused very little chaos and got butt slammed about 10 minutes into the round. He met his end as a group of security and armed crew cornered him, at which point I ran in with my sabre, sliced his head off and promptly made an announcement taking credit for the kill. Truly, I am a great marksmanship of the space station.

As the captain I like rewarding the crew for doing their jobs, so I decided to ask the cook for a super bite burger, which is a very, very large burger that requires many ingredients and takes a while to make. In exchange for making the burger I’d give him my captain’s flask. A minute or two later and I got a message from the cook that my burger was ready so I headed over to get my lunch.

The cook set it down on a table, I walked over, picked up the burger and suddenly I’m a ghost. Wait what the fuck? As it turns out the cook was a traitor and used a holoparasite to booby trap the burger so when I picked it up I exploded, causing my limbs to go flying everywhere and die instantly.

Now I’ve never died to a holoparasite (mostly because I never see any holoparasites in the first place) before so when this happened I was laughing my ass off, but I was still very confused why I just exploded upon picking up the burger. Turns out holoparasites can attach explosives to items, blowing up the poor sucker who takes the bait, and believe me I took the bait hook line and sinker! After that, the cook tried inviting the HoS over for a burger as well, but the HoS was more busy trying to find out what happened to the captain who suddenly stopped talking over comms a couple minutes ago.

The station went to shit pretty soon after that as some guy went full Cuban Pete mode and bombed half the station while a changeling went on a rampage with an arm blade. Needless to say the emergency shuttle was called as soon as it could’ve been.

 

The Zookeeper

Job: Head of Personnel/Traitor

Round Type: Traitor

Normally at round start I queue for security roles, however security can never become antagonists. Luckily the game will still select you for a potential antag role outside of security, and pretty much every time this happens I end up being the Head of Personnel. Fun!

Head of Personnel is by far the easiest traitor job since you’re basically just a slightly more suspicious captain. You have access to everywhere on the station, plus all the guns and trust you could ever hope for. You can actually just kill people in the middle of the hall and claim they tried to steal your ID if anyone says anything, of course you can’t go on a murderous rampage without anyone noticing but it’s great if you want to get rid of that annoying ass clown that just slipped you on a banana peel without any consequences.

Now for the round itself, as with all HoP traitor rounds, I just start out by giving all access out like copies of Crusader Kings 2 since if half the station has all access, security’s just going to be in complete fucking chaos as everyone’s work space gets invaded by assistants and clowns.

My objectives didn’t really matter, all I needed to do was steal the reflector vest and stay alive on the shuttle, and stealing ANYTHING as the HoP is a cakewalk since you have all access and nobody cares where the HoP goes or what he takes, so the first objective was finished within the first five minutes. Now it was time to be a dastardly, no good villainous traitor.

My first villainous act was to get rid of all lizard people on the station, my first target being the chef who I dragged to be sent off to the gulag, unfortunately some asshole brought him back from the gulag so I had to come up with another idea. A brilliant idea it was, since lizards are uncivilized savages anyways I thought “why not put him in a zoo?”, and so I shoved him in the xenobiology containment pen for safe keeping. However there was a scientist in the room who did not approve of my zoo, calling it inhumane or some shit, I didn’t really get why but he was being a giant douche and was trying to free the lizard from my zoo so I stunned him and left him in the enclosure alongside his lizard friend. Genius!

Now I wasn’t going to just leave them in there to rot because that would be boring, instead I beamed in a single hostile slime. Shouldn’t be too bad right? Unfortunately the two captives were unable to work together to overcome my challenge and the lizard ended up being absorbed to death by the slime, just before the scientist could kill it.

For the next challenge I gave the scientist a gold slime extract and a plasma syringe, that way he could summon a random hostile NPC to fight. Unfortunately he decided to be a shitstain and used water on the extract, which just summoned a harmless cat. Can’t really work with that, and we were all out of plasma so I went to go get more from cargo so I could summon some hostile mobs myself. When I got back, however, some guy freed the scientist from the zoo which kind of took a shit all over my plans. At this point the zoo had actually outlived its usefulness so I left to create mischief elsewhere, but little did I know the scientist was bitter about the whole situation and was plotting my downfall. What a brute!

I went to the medbay next since genetics had some superpowers for me to use. I saw the HoS and asked if I could have a spare energy gun, but before the HoS could give it to me a fellow traitor came in and stunned both of us. He started murdering the HoS and quickly moved onto me, indeed this was almost the end, but I let him know that I too was a traitor and was willing to share my unspent telecrystals (i hadn’t bought any traitor items). Just like that he ceased his assault and let me go, and since I still have some honor I allowed him to buy a traitor crate with my telecrystals.

Now getting slashed with an energy sword multiple times really does hurt so I tried to find some medical supplies to heal myself with, but before I could get to them I saw what the scientist had done to get revenge on me. Using the gold slimes and a light pink slime (light pink slimes allow dead players to spawn as whatever mob the extract is used on), he created a hostile, sentient pine tree and ordered it to find and kill me. It caught me at the worst possible time since I was wounded, slowed, and had no lethal weaponry.

I tried running into the halls to seek aid but the killer pine tree caught up to me and hit me into critical condition, at which point a cyborg made a noble attempt to save me, but the pine tree followed it and prevented it from getting me medical attention in the medbay. Since the cyborg had no way of healing me and I was bleeding from getting stabbed repeatedly by a pine tree, I did actually just die. There wasn’t enough time to clone me either since the emergency shuttle was about to dock so I had to be left for dead, thus preventing me from completing my “escape on the shuttle alive” objective.

Of all the ways for me to be killed that round, getting stabbed to death by a living pine tree was probably the most unexpected. But uh, at least I got that reflector vest, right? Yeah I’m not impressed either.

 

The Drunkard

Job: Security Officer

Round Type: Clockwork Cult

Immediately at the start of this round, the clockwork cult declared war. Since I was a security officer, there would be no rest for me. Now I’ve never seen a clockwork cult declare war before so I didn’t know what the fuck would be up, other than a confirmation of cultists and apparently they’d be stronger somehow.

These cultists weren’t afraid to fuck shit up, as within only five minutes I saw armored cultists running around with full armor and spears, murdering or converting anything and everything in their path. I think I killed one or two cultists at some points, but the cultists were simply too strong. Before I knew it, all of security was dead and many crew members were converted, indeed I was in the bone zone.

The emergency shuttle did arrive, and since it was the bar shuttle I knew what must be done.

MOOOOOOOOOORE BEER!

As fast as they could crank out Irish car bombs and screwdrivers, I was chugging them down, causing my blood-alcohol levels to go through the roof. Some guy tried shooting me but when I shot back we had a nice truce where I could keep chugging booze and he could keep doing whatever the fuck.

Now getting shot did hurt so I stumbled up to the medbay to get some heals, but just as I got there I got ambushed by a spear-wielding cultist and I was finally put out of my drunken misery. Luckily a doctor came to me with a defibrillator and revived my sorry drunken ass, though apparently I was so shitfaced that I was still drunk even after dying.

Soon after the clockwork ark was activated, and portals to it were spawning all over the station. I went in but I knew very well we had no chance of success, it was just me and a couple other assholes who knew the situation as well as I did. Luckily the admins made a custom bar area in the clockwork ark area as well, so I still had a chance to have a couple more shots before Ratvar was summoned.

Unfortunately the admin running the bar was just offering soda and kids meal snacks which pissed me off because if I ended the round sober I was going to be extremely upset, especially after everything I had poured down my throat. I yelled at him to get me some actual booze, to which he responded by going in his storage room for a minute. When he came back he gave me a drink labeled “GUARANTEED TO GET YOU 500% SHITFACED”, which sounded real fine at the moment.

When I drank it however, my screen started shaking the fuck out, going in all different kinds of directions, changing angles rapidly, zooming in and out, eventually it got so crazy my screen just went black. I don’t know what the fuck he put in there, but my god it lived up to the name and then some. To nobody’s surprise, the few non-cultist crew members (not counting me as I was pretty much incapacitated) were unable to prevent Ratvar from being summoned.

what shall we do with the drunken spaceman early in the morning…

 

The Head of Security, The Chemist, and The Jihadist Cyborg

Job: Head of Security

Round Type: Traitor

I’m not a huge fan of low population rounds (40-60 is my ideal player range) but when it’s 4:00 AM sometimes you have to settle for 33 players. I started this round as the Head of Security and while normally that would entail ordering security round, nobody was security except me. So I grabbed my trusty secway and set forth to put a stop to any and all SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY, unfortunately there was none for a while so I spent the first 10 or so minutes drunk driving in my very cool secway.

Finally I caught some SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY when I was rolling around medbay, suddenly the chemist bursts out of his area and asks for help, claiming that the roboticist was attacking him and violating his workplace. This seemed easy enough to deal with, I’d just tell the roboticist to piss off and if he didn’t I’d flash him and drag him off somewhere, however while I was telling the roboticist to shoo the chemist shot him a syringe of… something, I’m not exactly sure what it was, maybe some kind of traitor-exclusive toxins, either way it was lethal, though at first I just assumed it to be chloral hydrate or morphine. He then flushed the roboticist down disposals, and seeing that the roboticist had just had a heart attack I realized he might actually just be dead, which he was when I got there.

Still I decided not to take any action against the chemist since to me, he was just doing what he needed to get the intruder out of his area, and I kind of forgot about him when the captain arrived on the station and promptly killed himself in the hallways, allowing his body to be looted. Then I had to track down whoever got his all access ID that  I realized was a rather fruitless endeavor which I quickly abandoned, whoever got it didn’t seem to do much with it though I’m still not sure what caused the captain to just suicide like that, maybe he got a bad first impression of the station or something, balls if I know.

Later on some snitch sent me a PDA message telling me the chemist had shot a guy in a plant disguise with a syringe, and at this rate the chemist was getting rather suspicious so I went to preform a raid on his office to see if I could find anything nasty. With the help of a friendly cyborg I stormed in, arrested him and brought him back to the brig to be searched, whereupon I found several traitor items, one of which being an emag. Well at this point he was thoroughly busted and we both knew it so I offered him a deal; I would use the emag on an arcade (this causes whoever plays the arcade to explode if they lose or forfeit of the arcade game) and if he won I’d let him go, keeping all his traitor/chemist equipment of course.

I was just about to go through with the deal, changing him into an orange prison jumpsuit when the cyborg from earlier came in, I assumed to see what I was doing, but it turns out it was sent by someone (the ai? a traitor roboticist? I never figured out) to ruin my day, and so it did, suicide bombing right in the middle of both of us, killing everyone involved.

Luckily this story has something of a happy ending, since my body was recovered and cloned near the end of the round, which gave me just enough time to board the shuttle to have an epic duel with a space ninja, win said duel, claim the ninja’s sword as my prize, and then caught myself on fire with a “BURN patch” which normally would heal my burns, but some chucklehead took the literal route and made it just catch people on fire. Either way I extinguished the fire and made it to the end of the round.

A while after the round I realized the chemist was a fellow man of the Youtube sphere and actually has a video of this very round uploaded, so if you’d like to see this round from the chemist’s point of view, the video is right here.

 

The Really Shitty Wizard

Job: Wizard

Round Type: Wizard

It’s a bit amazing how often I end up getting picked as a wizard considering the round type isn’t terribly common and only one person gets picked as the wizard, but when I am a wizard I try and come up with a fun gimmick instead of just picking magic missile, firebolt, blink, the like, and going on a normal magical murderbone. Oh and before I go on here are the spells I picked:

• Staff of Change – A staff with infinite charges that changes whatever it hits into a random mob, this can be anything from cyborgs, cows, slimes, etc.
• Mind Swap – Swaps your body with whoever you’re right next to, knocking both of you out for a short period.
• Ethereal Jaunt – Makes you disappear and able to go through anything for a few seconds, at which point you reappear. Requires a robe to use.
• Firebolt – Shoots a firebolt. The firebolt explodes in flames.

Not caring about my objectives (kill the chemist and escape on the shuttle alive), the gimmick for this round I decided was that I was going to get a staff of change and mind swap, change someone into a drone, then mindswap them and take the staff of change. My reasoning here is that drones have a small hitbox, are very fast, and have all access, combine this with the deadly staff of change and nothing will prevent my spread of chaos across the station!

It however did not go like this, instead I teleported random places, polymorphing a good few crew members until I had to match wits with a pesky soap-dragging cyborg, who ran over me with the soap causing me to slip. Unfortunately a securitron was there at the moment and handcuffed me with my ethereal jaunt still on cooldown, at which point the cyborg started dragging me out into space. I was a little too slow on my mind swap which allowed the cyborg to drag me out into space. The bright side is that when I mind swapped, my old body was dying from being exposed to the cold and unforgiving nature of space, which lead to the cyborg being dead by the time I regained my consciouness.

I did manage to make my way to the station where I mind swapped into the CMO in an attempt to access EVA, where I’d get a space suit and a jetpack to retrieve my staff of change, but then I realized “wait shit the cmo doesn’t get eva access”, and then I also realized “shit ethereal jaunt requires the use of a magical robe”, so at this point my tactic just changed to running around, fireballing people, and mind swapping unsuspecting crew members.

Once I was done causing chaos (albeit without my staff of change which I dearly missed) I figured “hey the guy I turned into a xenomorph earlier is probably dead by now, I’ll just get on the shuttle, avoid trouble, and hopefully my objectives will be complete”, unfortunately my target was alive and well apparently, and so my dastardly plot was foiled once again.

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These are all the tales I have for you today, but worry not, I shall be back one day with more TALES FROM SPACE STATION 13. In fact they might not even be in the form of an article, but an edited video! Now isn’t that exciting?

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